"every h:pii fanfic ever"

introduction to every hpii fanfic ever

we open up to simon. he is our main protagonist. across all these stories, you will find various last names, but his name will always be simon.

simon is an average either teenager or young adult. he will always have some tie to the sea, whether he is part of some navy or sailing crew or a family member (usually a father figure) who was a sailor. simon is always introverted. he will always have a rough relationship with his family & he will always, on some level, feel obligated to be around the water. he will either basically live on the beach  or have basically never seen water in his life; no in between.

but simon, no matter what story you are reading though, at his core, is joe hawley in a sailer uniform. there are no exceptions to this rule. remember this now.

simon either lives or is transported to some magical, hawaiian inspired location. this location's name is either straight up "hawaii", a variant of hawaii, something biblical, something relating to the stella octangula, or a combination of multiple. there are also no exceptions to this rule.

simon will either have no established friendships, basically only talk to his love interest (more on her later), or so many friends that are so minor to the plot that they are completely irrelevant & only serve as character development for simon. these friends will usually only be mentioned in the first chapter briefly or show up in completely unrelated flashbacks, again, solely for the purpose of character development.

"I am Simon," he says. "I will use full, expressive dialect. I will die before I use any form of slang that is not romantic or sexual in nature. I will also either be British, French, or American, & regardless of which of the three I am, I will have knowledge of the French language, even if this knowledge sums down to 'wee wee baguette'. This knowledge of French is solely to reference the French in the album, & will never actually be relevant to the plot."

you will also notice there's a rough 50% chance the author will use ampersands instead of "and". this is usually because they are a tally hall fan, & in a desperate attempt to appear unique or more connected to tally hall, will use ampersands.

this is the first chapter of the story, so snow will somehow be relevant to this chapter. it is also worth mentioning that even though the location Simon is in is based on Hawaii, the location will still have snow or reach temperatures capable of snow, despite being based on an island only roughly 1500 miles from the equator.

crystals also have a chance of being involved. they will have little relevance, & will likely never be mentioned again, but they have a chance of showing up regardless.

simon will either have an existential crisis about his life or his future, will have a long "conversation" with himself, or will exist through flashbacks & mentions of other characters. this allows for adequate introduction of his character, & will last the entire chapter. without exception, it will be either too much or too little information.

the chapter now ends on a one off, mysterious line in a desperate attempt to wrap you into a story you have probably seen be adapted at least 100 times.