A million thoughts swiped around in your head, all frozen at his words.
"Hello sweetheart."
You wanted to smile. Throw yourself into his arms. Beg for his love, drop to your knees. Something, anything to feel Bucky. But all those words came flooding back in an instant. That raw pain you'd carried for five years.
No. Twenty five years.
"No," you shook your head. Eyes steely. Jaw clenched. The anger and pain ripped you apart. Fresh wounds opened up again at his mere presence. The way he looked at you. Love in his eyes. Affection. Longing.
His lip twitched. His smile faltered. Defeat.
"I can't," you told him. "Not after everything, Bucky. You destroyed me. Shattered me. Broke my already torn heart to shreds. You can't even imagine how your words hurt. The anger that radiated off of you. The tone. How it shook me to my core."
"I loved you with all my heart. I would have given you the world. But you destroyed that, all of that, in ten minutes. Twenty years of loyalty. Fidelity, faithfulness. Twenty years of pure love. For you and no one else. You killed it."
"I know I was wrong for making that call. I take full responsibility for it, Bucky. I should have pushed it down again and again. Been by your side, watched you marry Rose. But it would have completely destroyed me. It would have been too much."
You took a breath, tears streaming again. His too. He wanted to interrupt, say something, but you wouldn't let him. Not now. Not yet. Five years built up, like a volcano ready to erupt.
"I regret it. I do. Not the missing your wedding part of it. I regret letting myself fall in love so passionately with you. Never letting anyone else in. Never really giving anyone else a chance. Because I was sure no one would make me feel the way you did. So I didn't even try."
"I coulda had something. Something real. Could have given myself so freely to someone. Could have let someone love me. Had everything. Marriage. Family. But I was so stupidly devoted to you. Hoping and wishing pathetically that one day you'd open your eyes."
"But you never did."
You turned away from him, looking out. Was there anything left to say? You'd cut yourself open. Bled so freely in front of him. Laid all of "your shit" on him for a second time. Your heart hammered. Barely breathing.
"I love you," he said simply. "I didn't mean a word that day, Y/N. I was hurting confused-,"
"So you should have held your tongue, Bucky!," you interrupted, "you should have stayed away until you had your thoughts collected! You can't take it back. There is no going back, no fixing this. Don't you understand?"
"And don't say you love me. I don't want to hear it. You should have all along. No one ever, ever gave you what I did. No one else held you up. Held your hand. Dried your fucking tears. Not even her! So blindly doing every damn thing she demanded of you. Weak for her," you spat. Venomous. Hurt. Angry. Jealous.
"She hated my guts. Did everything to spite me. And you were so pathetically pussy whipped that you couldn't see it. She told me once, right after you got engaged, 'I won, Y/N. Won the ultimate prize and you lost. I'll take him to LA and you'll never see him again.' Laughed in my face!"
He was stunned at your admission. How had he been so blind?
"Go inside, James. Go back in. Forget about me. I want to be dead to you."
****
Bucky barely slept.
Your words played over and over in his head like a broken record. The pain, the suffering. The torment. How broken you looked. How shattered. How you held your arms close to your chest. The look in your eyes, how tense you were, like you'd break apart.
It killed him. He felt like he couldn't live with what he did. How in the hell was he supposed to go on? Move past this? Handle never seeing your face again? Never hearing your voice. Your laughter. Never seeing your smile that lit up a room?
The ringtone pulled him from his grief. Becca's words sobered him up. Pulled him back from his own suffering. Cleared his head. He only had one thing on his mind, you.
****
The steady beep was the only sound in the room. The only indication that something was keeping you alive. Bruises, cuts. He knew bones were broken. He didn't want to know everything. And Becca just kept breaking down every time she tried.
He wanted to come closer, but part of him knew you wouldn't let him. That you wouldn't even want him here. But he had to know. Had to see you, had to face the reality of what had happened. What was happening.
****
"I don't know...," Becca said between sobs. "I don't know what happened, Buck." She was banged up herself, but had refused ant treatment. Her worry was you. You'd taken the brunt of the accident. The other car slamming into your side. The sound of screeching metal played over in her head. The screams.
"They say she won't make it, Bucky. She's," she sobbed hard, completely breaking down. He held her up, his own tears falling. He knew he'd have to say goodbye. That he'd never be able to make things right with you. That he lost you. His love, his real love.
****
He pulled the chair closer to the bed. His hand found yours. He squeezed gently, even though he knew you couldn't feel it, he wanted you to know he was there. No words would come, on the soft cries leaving his lips. Ripped from his chest. Raw pain. Disbelief. Anger.
You'd never really know.
He'd been so smitten with you the first time your eyes met. "Hey, you gotta pencil I can borrow?," he asked, you smiled and nodded, pulling one from your bright pink backpack. Your fingers touched and Bucky swallowed. Prettiest girl he'd ever seen.
He followed you like a lost puppy. The popular girl and the new kid. In absolute awe of you, how you carried yourself. Confident, poised. Stunning him at every turn. Bucky was more than smitten by high school. Alarmingly in love with his best friend.
College hadn't been easy. Different states, long distance calls. Letters. Hanging out constantly on break. He'd missed you, missed your company. Your comfort. Everything about you. Shamelessly in love with his best friend.
But he never saw it. The other side of the coin. Your love for him. So he moved on.
And now here he was. At the end.
"I'll always love you," he whispered. "Always ache for you, sweetheart. Always wish it was different. That I would have seen. That I would have known. Or that is had the courage years ago. That I could have just told you. Told you that I love you. Fuck, Y/N. I love you. You'll always be my girl. My all."
He felt it. The slight twitch of fingers pressed against his hand. He had to be imagining it. It wasn't possible. But you did it again. Were you coming back to him? Could you? Would this be a second chance? His heart raced, sobs grew as your eyes began to flutter open. Bucky smiled down at you, getting to his feet.
"Hello sweetheart."
