The Bad Boy And The English Redhead

Chapter Twenty: I Don't Trust Him

TBBATER- Chapter Twenty: I Don't Trust Him

I know what I do. I know what I've always got wrong in my life.

I've always run away from my problems.

The first example is Joe, when I had the chance to move to America, I took it so I could never be near him again. So he could never find me like he had promised me. I took the chance to be away from him.

The second example is the kiss I shad shared with Matt, the one where we had bumped into each other after my first counselling session with Dr Zara and he kissed me. I had pulled away and ran, escaping the conversation and things going any further than they were meant to.

Another is when Matt threw me in the pool and I ran away, upset and furious, to avoid me getting into a situation I would regret.

This is what I tell Dr Tara when I have my next counselling session. She has asked me about why I have always run away from my problems and has asked me to leave a few examples of when I have run away from my problems. To me, it sounds like a baby move, like a move cowards would make because they were afraid of the consequences.

"I guess you do tend to run away from your problems, and the thing is, you just never realise you do. I was like you, you know. I used to be scared of my problems, I never gathered my strength and got over the problems. I would run away to a place where I would feel safe, knowing that I could've done something and fought back." Dr Zara says, looking at me, deciding on something which I didn't know.

"Tell me about your.... love relationships." Dr Zara then says, and I look at her with a slight sense of confusion.

"Well.... I don't know. Joe didn't love me, but I did love him. Tyler... you know who he is, we hadn't been together for long before he died. But he did cheat on me, which I didn't expect out of him. And then there's Matt. I don't know what I feel about him. Whenever I'm with him my body goes crazy, but my brain just wants to get away from him. And every time he has kissed me so far, I've never felt so good in my life, like... like.... like I...."

"Love him? Like you're in love with him?" Dr Zara suggests.

"Oh God no! I'm not! I'm not! I... I... I am." I say slowly, and finally realise. That Bad Boy has made me fall for him unintentionally, and I don't want to love him, but I somehow do.

No.

This is wrong.

This shouldn't have happened!

"I can clearly see that you don't want to love this boy like you do, because there must be something about him." Dr Zara says, and I nod, feeling my eyes begin to water.

"The question I ask is this: how does he treat you? Does he act like he's faking or does he generally act like he means it?" She says, and I look up at her. She pushes over the jar of Jammie Dodgers towards me and I take two before stuffing them in my mouth. Food has always been one of my comforts, so reassuring and tasty.

I have to ponder for a few minutes, so I can come up with a good enough reason.

"He used to be quite rude to me, but he's warmed up to me, as have I, ever since I went into a coma and woke up, he's changed. He's different. The other day he asked me personal questions about Joe, which no one except my family have asked before. Matt is... something special. I don't know trust him, it's because of his ways, the womanizing ways. I don't know how he feels about me." I say.

And I doubt he will ever love me.

"All I can say is take that shot, take the chance, because if he does actually love you, you will have missed out if you ignored these feelings." Dr Zara tells me.