The Summer of '93

Whistle stop UK

I was so glad to be at home finally. However it was icy cold. There were five more days to count before Ali was back. I had spent the day training and got home just before eight. I had set the video to record a couple of programs whilst I was away from home. At that time we had video+ which involved putting a code into the keypad and it normally muddled the times and dates, but things had been surprisingly successful of late. I had been over to visit Quig for an hour or two and then got to bed. I had had the emotional blackmail from him that I hadn't been over in a while and was I avoiding him?

The following day at work was so slow. My good friend at work was Louise. She was a lovely girl; younger and very pretty. Her vibrant, auburn hair was long and straight, always held back with a stretchy Alice band. She had light brown eyes and she was slim. Louise had a very strong Normanton accent, where each word was heavy and deliberate. Just after five I left work and I headed off to the hospital. Louise had been in and out of the hospital for some time. It was good to see her. She was sat up in bed. I thought Louise would be really lonely but she had her boyfriend John, his Mum and a friend from work, Liz visiting. I took her some magazines and flowers but she had bunches of flowers already! Anyway she had been told she had a kidney infection. It was good news that after many tests they had finally isolated what was wrong with her. She was obviously enjoying the attention. I then stopped off at Dad's for an hour.

Another letter from Ali arrived the following day. I was full of happiness. He said he would call. I got back just before ten but there had been no call, Mum told me. He rang at 10:30 for half an hour. I was over the moon to hear from him. I snuggled with the phone, listening to him chat away. He said he would ring me again on the following Tuesday. I was bursting with anticipation of him coming home. He was arriving into Luton for 14:30. I wondered if he had an idea of how I felt about him and how happy he made me of late? What a lovely letter it was. He had also received my postcard/letter which I had sent him on Monday evening from Gwynedd. The good news too as that he had been given more holiday than we had anticipated. Another week to go...

I suppose unfortunately we all adopt traits from our parents, which, like everyone else we hate. The one thing I loathed most is my doubting fault. Thankfully when I look at Mum it is not as dominant in me, as it is in her. However it is still very present. I saw this all as being too good to be true. I suppose that also comes from bad experiences in the past. Some of the things that I have had to experience have been beyond my control and there are things which have been my fault too unfortunately. Do we ever learn from things when we are vulnerable with our feelings? It's like when someone bumps into you and you say 'sorry'. At that same moment, because they ignore you, you wish you didn't have that instinctive reaction. They behave as though they're going to walk right through you. It's pure ignorance on their part. My boyfriends Richard and Stephen – I loved them both and wore my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately both of them chose to crush me because I equipped them with the power to do so. The most recent man in my life did care in the end. He did more than anyone in my past relationships. However circumstances were not right at times and our sense of humour was so different. I don't think we could have lived with each other long term. It wasn't just a question of maturity. I think it was down to fundamental differences. He also was very poor at communicating his feelings in the right way. He was emotionally repressed. I'm sure he felt them, but had been taught to conceal them as it is not manly to be over emotional. It's a bit like that immediate 'sorry' and 'thank you' we're taught.

However I know that this time Ali and I have made a good start. We had some common ideals but not all. Regardless of the common thread that kept us spending time together, I had considered that I would be unrealistic not to try and see past the newness of things and recognise the niggling doubts! When Ali lost his temper in Stirling I was shocked at the anger displayed, that had emanated from nothing ; my fears of being hurt again surfaced (but I really don't believe that it will happen with us being apart so much). He has a foul tempered bolshy rogue at times, as well as demonstration of immaturity and insecurity. I wondered if I was being over critical and analysing problems where I end up feeling insecure and vulnerable myself. Are we always going to have conflict with someone and just have to recognise our differences? I remember him saying months ago that :