Don't mess with fire

Part 1, Chapter 1

The date was, if I'm correct, the 27th of January. A pretty mundane time of the year for most but for me it was the day life as I knew it changed forever. (Cringey I know, but stay with me people)
Back then I was still living in England, in the suburbs of a city called Oxford with my mum, step-dad and little brother Felix.
My mum, she's called Aurora, and my step-dad, he's called Des, met about one year after I was born so I've known Des pretty much my whole life.
Oh yeah, Lars.
So, at around 5pm on the Friday it was, I was walking back him from school when, and I'm really sorry if you don't believe me, this will be a reoccurring theme in this story, a six-foot snake spoke to me.
No. This is not a normal thing for me. If it's normal to you, get help.
Anyway, snake. (I apologise if I lose track sometimes, ADHD's a bitch.)
So there I was, minding my own business when this snake pops over a bush next to me and talks to me.
"Ocean Scum" he said, except in, you know, a snakey voice.
Understandably I was in quite a state of shock, so did not really have the brain power to respond, however before Mister No-Legs could do anything else he was hit on the head by a doughnut.
Again, I wish I was making this up.
He slithered around a corner and when I checked, he was gone.
After convincing myself I was mental (didn't take much convincing) I carried on down the road home.
I looked through the trees next to me.
Not even 5:30 and it was already sunset.
I hate England in Winter.
But, get this, I hadn't even made it 20 metres when another snake decided to pay me a visit.
"Sea Trash" she hissed, this one sounded quite girly, for a snake at least.
Seriously though. What was it with the snakes and the sea?
Once again a doughnut flew out of nowhere and got the snake in the head, driving them away.
I glanced around, intrigued by this 'doughnut ninja'. Suddenly a hand clasped over my mouth and I was dragged into darkness.