The Realmare (completed)

Day 3

I woke up to a bright light shining in my face. I tried to turn over but I felt restricted. I put my hand to the sun that was blaring through the window. I looked down. I was in a sleeping bag. I sat up slowly. I felt stiff. I turned and popped my back. As my body began to start I noticed a taste in my mouth. It tasted like that damn morning taste before you brush your teeth in the morning mixed with all the shit I ate last night. I felt Cheetos in my teeth. I tasted sour patch kids and caramel on my tongue and my whole mouth was dry and sticky. I needed to brush my teeth.

I stood up, rolled my head around and to the side, cracking my neck, then proceeded to crack my knuckles, then my individual fingers. I went to my bag, grabbed my travel toothpaste and toothbrush as well as some spare clothes and headed towards the guest bathroom. I closed and locked the door. I didn't know if Aaron and/or Rainy was up yet. I didn't want one of them to stumble into the bathroom and walk in on me half naked. Especially Rainy.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I had dark shadows under my eyes. I had blue sticky shit around my mouth. My long black hair was sticking up in all directions. I slept in the clothes I left my house in despite the fact that I had brought pj's. The blue tank top was wrinkled and my shorts had rolled up while I was sleeping. "My gosh Casey," I said to my reflection. "You look like shit. This is worse than usual." I was taken aback. My voice was hoarse and rough. I sounded like a forty year old chain smoker. I desperately needed water. I brushed my teeth. The mint felt better and rinsed out the nasty taste. I changed my clothes. I took my shirt off and looked in the mirror. I saw the scratch marks. It hurt to look at them. I knew what I had done was wrong. I promised myself I would never do it again. I promised Rainy and Aaron as well.

"You have to stop this Casey!" Aaron said on that hot summer day last year. "It's not healthy. You could seriously hurt yourself. Neither of us want you to end up in the hospital." Rainy had began to cry. She was always emotional. We never judged her for it. Instead we let her tears flow. I wrapped her in a tight hug. She rested her head on my shoulder and let it all out. "Please," she begged through her tears. "Promise me you will never do this again." I lifted her head up and looked her in the eyes. "I promise." I had said to both of them.

We wanted to go swimming because it was a hot July day. Once we got to the beach I had taken my shirt off, forgetting about the scratches I had made. They noticed, dragged me over to a less crowded area of the beach, sat me down, and talked to me. "How?" Aaron has asked. "Pocket knife." I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes, my vision becoming blurry. They let me explain. I told them about what had happened with my parents. My mom had been doing drugs and my dad was an alcoholic. They spent all their money on those. I was barely able to eat as we had little to no money. I was afraid. They always told me how useless I was and that I was good enough to have money spent on me. That's when Aaron let me stay with him for a few days. During that time, we bonded. He became like the older brother I never had.

I returned to the bathroom, looking at my reflection. I had learned that day that I was good enough. But I learned something else. Not only was I hurting myself, but I was hurting my friends. Maybe not physically, but definitely mentally. I had made them worried. I worried poor Rainy sick. Every time she saw me after that, she hugged me. Aaron gave me a pat down, checking for a pocket knife or any sharp object.

I was not cutting myself anymore. I hadn't since that day. But I had to live with the scars. I had to live with the damage I had done. My eyes welled up with tears. I grabbed a tissue and dabbed them. "It's alright," I told myself. "Things are better now." That much was true. At the time, it was very obvious that I was not eating a good amount of food. I was almost six feet tall and barely a hundred pounds. I could barely make it through P.E., much less an entire school day. Now, after a year, I was 6"1' and 150 pounds. I looked a lot healthier, and it made me and my friends happy. Aaron's mom has been packing 2 lunches. One for him and one for me. We always gave Rainy half of whatever treat we had in our lunch. We did not want her feeling left out. On weekends and during the summer I had constantly been over at Aaron's house. I claimed we were doing homework or studying, and we were, but we were also having fun. It felt nice to be somewhere else.