Pain
I'm not exactly sure why I'm in pain. I mean, I left him. We had good memories though. He was a great guy. A really good one. He was there for me. He knew when I was scared and comforted me. He knew when I was overthinking and calmed me down. He was the only one who could truly make me laugh. He'd cycle 2 hours to meet me. When I was sick he let me stay with him for a week and would cook for me. He'd bring me the blanket when I was cold. He never forced me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. How could I not fall for him.
I'm scared I'm not gonna find that again. It's terrifying.
Anger
I'm genuinely so angry.
He undervalued me, disrespected me when I put up boundaries.
He told me that he's just being blunt. That's just another way of saying he lacks basic communication skills and uses it as an excuse his shitty behaviour. That is not okay. He can't just say whatever he wants and hurt people like this.
He used me. It was selfish and wrong and it makes me angry.
I repeatedly told him what made me upset and he didn't change it even a little.
He made me question my worth.
He was too busy pointing out every single one of my flaws (flaws in his opinion) while I excused every single one of his.
I had to constantly walk on eggshells around him.
I gave him so much. A lot. Constantly. He took it for granted.
I'm angry that he ruined something that could've been great.
"You deserve better" THAT SENTENCE MAKES ME SO MAD. It's a huge slap in the face. It basically means he recognises my worth but didn't care about me enough to be better for me.
Freedom
I'm happy in a way. Sort of. I think the scariest feeling I have is that I will never love someone as I loved him; the love I had for him was so pure and intense I don't know if I will be able to love like that again, however, maybe that's a good thing? Maybe it's good I don't love someone so unconditionally. That in the future I won't be so blinded by love I will be able to find someone who isn't so toxic and find the one I deserve.
I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them. I'm not an option.
YOU ARE READING
How to mend a broken heart
Phi Hư CấuFor the first time in my life, I experienced heart break. This is a journal where I document how I feel and how I'm getting through it. I'm hoping this will be a sort of "how to get over someone" and I hope this helps someone else as well.
