The Ways in Which I Die (COMPLETED)

CHAPTER 14: "I JUST CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT"

ANTHONY

Warm water pushes against Anthony’s body from all sides, but he can barely feel it. 

He feels ice cold as he stares down at his wrist leaking red into the clear water. He can feel his whole body pulsing as his life drains out into the water surrounding. 

He can’t breathe. Death has it’s cold hand wrapped firmly around his throat, choking him.

“ Remember, you chose this ,” the black abyss says, trying to pull him under the waves of his despair.

He doesn’t fight it as he’s pulled beneath the surface of the bloody water surrounding his body. Or he doesn’t until it’s filling his mouth and choking him. He feels his body convulse and he opens his mouth to scream but no sound escapes as blood rushes in and chokes him. All of it choking him. Drowning him.

“You chose this.”

“Darling?”

Anthony sits bolt upright, a scream hanging in the back of his throat. His hand flies to his left wrist as he looks frantically around the dark living room.

His scream isn’t the only thing lodged in his throat. He can’t breathe. 

“Anthony baby.”

A warm hand wraps around his and squeezes. Anthony can’t stop himself flinching at the contact, and forces his gaze down to his trembling hands.

“You’re okay honey.” The voice talking to him is warm and soft. He knows it, he knows he does, but he can’t make himself place it.

“I… I-” Anthony trails off, unable to form any more words.

“You’re okay, I’m right here.”

He recognizes it this time and finally manages to calm himself to look the woman sitting next to him on the couch in the eyes.

“You were having a bad dream,” James' mother says softly and cups her hand around Anthony’s cheek.

Anthony manages a deep breath as the woman keeps his face in her hands. He can’t stop himself from casting a brief glance down at the scar on his wrist, making sure it’s still just a scar. “I needed to make sure my little baby was okay.”

Anthony lets out a weak and breathy chuckle and leans his head against her shoulder. “Thanks but I’m fine-”

“Anthony Francis Wilson don’t you dare even think about saying that,” she scolds looking him sternly in the eyes. “I may be old, but I’m no fool boy.”

Anthony smiles weakly and ducks his head. Mama has always been the one person he could never hide anything from. She leans over and turns on the lamp next to the couch.

Anthony winces at the sudden brightness hitting his eyes and sending throbbing pain through his head.

“I know that,” Anthony says quietly as he rubs his forehead. Migraine aww

“Then why are you trying to lie to me, honey?” She demands and pulls a tissue out of her pocket. “And do you think I’ve gone blind?”

“What?”

“Carol was always bad at makeup, I’m just going to say that now,” Mama fusses and very gently wipes the tissue across Anthony’s face. “Who beat you like this?”

Anthony shakes his head and keeps his eyes trained on the scar on his wrist, still a little afraid it will tear itself open and bleed him out.

“If you aren’t gonna talk, I will,” she says sternly.

Anthony still can’t bring himself to tell her what happened.

“I know that you just had a dream about that.” She gestures to his left wrist. “And I know someone beat you up mighty good about three days ago, and I know Carol tried to cover it up with makeup so I wouldn’t know, and I know that you are very hungover on whiskey. Now, you wanna know what else I gather from all that?”

Anthony shakes his head. “Can we please just not talk about it?”

Mama pulls him in close, and for the first time since going back to the Sunset’s apartment that he feels completely safe. “Okay baby doll, but you need to promise me you’ll take care of yourself. No more whiskey or getting beat up, okay?”

Anthony nods weakly.

“And no more thinking about doing that again,” she says as she runs one figure gently down the scar on his arm. “You’re my little baby, and I don’t want you hurting yourself, especially when you have people around you who love you and will help you with whatever you need.”

Anthony nods mutely. He’s not entirely sure how she knew he’d been thinking about dying again, but he doesn’t question it because she always seems to know everything. Part of him is glad she knows because he knows she’ll take care of him and won’t let him do it again.

“I just can’t do anything right,” Anthony says quietly after a long stretch of silence.

“That’s a big load of horse shit if I ever smelled any,” Mama retorts.

“But nothing that matters,” Anthony mumbles.

“You don’t think helping that woman at your firm get justice mattered?”

“I guess it did…” Anthony says absently.

“Just because some things got messed up it doesn’t mean everything is messed up. You have a tendency to blow things out of proportion dear, and it’s not your fault. It’s just the way your brain works. You need to trust people, the right people mind you, but people all the same. Trust the people who care about you and will help you back up when you fall. I know that there are at least three in this house right now. Hang on to people like that and you’ll be just fine,” Mama says gently and kisses the top of Anthony’s head.

As he drifts back to sleep in the safety of Mama's arms he decides he’ll go see Summer in the morning. He’s pretty sure she’s the kind of person his friend’s mother was talking about.