Choose Me

Chapter 30

The next day I avoid Dex and Bianca at all costs and only am around them when we all get together to eat but other than that, Ken and I keep to ourselves. Ken works on some new songs while I read my book. The other four do their own thing, and I could not be more relieved. I don't really want to spend time with them after everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours. I need my space to think and breathe.

Dex, on the other hand, didn't feel the same way and tried to corner me on one of my trips to the kitchen, but I quickly got away from him and ran up to my room, locking myself inside, not wanting to be alone with him again. I don't trust myself when it comes to him.

I know I said I was going to stay away from him but when it comes to him, I have a hard time keeping my distance. He's ruined me in the best, most fucked up way, and no matter how many times we're together, I can't get enough of him. I don't think I ever will and he knows it full well and uses it to his advantage. But not today. Today, I managed to keep my distance from him and am relieved when night rolls around because it means no more hiding. Finally.

Ken and I say goodnight to everyone as we make our way inside from the back deck and head for the stairs. He holds my hand as we walk up the stairs and I can't help but feel nervous the closer and closer we get to our room. The night before he didn't push for anything, but something tells me tonight is the night he tries for more and I'm dreading it. I can't be with him. Not after being with Dex last night. I feel dirty and disgusting just thinking about what I did. I had never done anything like that and I can't exactly take it back.

You wouldn't take it back even if you could, that annoying voice in my head tells me and I wish I could suffocate it. Maybe it's right but it's still wrong what I did.

"Why are you shaking?" Ken asks me as we step into our room and he locks the door behind us.

"Just nervous. That's all."

"There's nothing to be nervous about," he reassures me as I plop down on the bed. "I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be back." He kisses my forehead and grabs some clean clothes before heading into our bathroom. As soon as I hear the water running in the shower I quickly change into a clean pair of pajamas and slip into bed, hoping and praying sleep overtakes me but it never does. I just lay there with my eyes wide open until Ken gets out of the shower, turns off the lights in the bedroom, leaving only the bathroom light on.

He slips into bed with me, smelling of soap and aftershave, and I can't not breathe it in. Great smelling guys are my weakness. "You smell good," I compliment him and he pulls me into his arms. He nuzzles my cheek with his nose before pressing his lips to my cheek and moving them slowly towards the corner of my lips. He cups my face in his hands and kisses me, and I kiss him back, giving in to his lips. He pulls my leg over his hip and I let him.

I feel his hand glide up my thigh and when he brushes his fingers over the cellulite on my thigh I stop him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I-I just hate that part of myself," I say honestly and he looks like he can't believe I just said that.

"Why?"

"I'm just insecure," I admit embarrassed. I guess he never noticed because Dex changed something inside me from the moment he waltzed back in my life, but the insecurities and body issues are still there, just looming under the surface always waiting to rear their ugly head. I've been with Dex enough that I don't get really nervous around him anymore but Ken, he's new territory for me, and a part of me can't help but worry that he'll be like my ex-partners and hate all my flaws.

"You don't have to be. Not with me. I promise to love every part of you," he says and kisses me, trying to put me at ease. I close my eyes and kiss him back, giving it my all to give him back what he wants. Needs. But I can't. I don't have it in me. I can't be with him. Not like he deserves. "Relax." He pushes me onto my back and I swallow back nervously as he works on the buttons of my top. He undoes every button, one by one, until he has my shirt completely open.