Leave Me Before I Go

My mind

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I wake up at it is almost 3 am. I look at the beautiful man lying beside me, his hair covering half of his face. I’ve missed him. I wanted him here. Right here next to me. I feel better now. Now that he is here. I need a smoke so I get off the bed and pick up Michael’s shirt off the floor so I can wear it. I take the box of cigarette and light from his coat and head to the bathroom. I sit in the empty tub and light the cigarette, now I’m finally free to cry.

I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I hate myself like this. This isn’t me. I never cry! And I can’t blame that on Michael. He has been nothing but kind to me, except the French girl thing. Not that I’m now ok with that, no. But he loves me, I know. I know it. I guess it has been a couple of fucked up months. But I can’t go on feeling like this every single day, I can’t act like a dead person I need to wake up and get it together. I can’t go on grieving forever I can’t stay like this and that’s it. I should just stop this. I need to, for myself. For Lana. For Michael. For my dad.

There was a knock on the door and I could hear Michael’s voice.

“Hey, can I come in?”

“Yeah.” I said.

Michael came in and sat on the edge of the tub. I offered him my cigarette.

“Remember who told me I should stop smoking?” he said as he stole a kiss from the cigar.

“Yes I do. And she still believes you should stop smoking. But she needed it. So…”

“Right.” He let out the smoke and gave me one of those famous smirks of his.

“Are you ok?” Michael said that and came in the tub and sat right in front of me. Our legs seemed to be holding each other. I enjoyed his warmth.

“I don’t know, but I will be. I promise. I’ll become normal again.” I said and I took the cigarette from Michael’s hand and put it out.

“You were never normal Scar. And I never want you to be normal. I love you anyway. You don’t have to change for me. Ever. You’re grieving. I understand. I try to understand. I know I can be a dick sometimes…

“Right, sometimes.” I cut his speech. He gave me the eyes and then continued.

“Yes. Sometimes. And hey! I am trying, ok? Before you my longest relationship was with my towel! Yes. My towel. And that was because I didn’t have the money to spend on another towel! I was waiting for my mum to buy one for me, actually.”

“I know you Michael. You’d took the money for the towel from your mum and spend it on booze.” I said trying to be funny. Trying to be normal.

“True that. See? That’s why you’re my girl. You know, because every other girl would be like…”

Behold! Michael’s impression of women is remarkable. I wish you could see his face.

“OMG, Michael! Zooooo Grozz. I mean seariouzly? Like OMG!”

He continued. Imitating which was quit good actually.

“But you come and say something like that. That’s why I don’t want you to change Scar. I prefer your crazy depressed stage than all of the normal and the rubbish that comes with it.”

“To be fair, I don’t blame them. The towel story as romantic as it was is still very gross. Or grozz. As they put it.”

He stared at me for a while, I was looking at him because I was scared. Scared that he might stop looking at me. I love it when he looks at me, it makes me feel as if I was a real person. Not that I’m not, but when he looks at me, and when I see myself through his eyes, I’m real. I’m complete. I am finally whole. Does that make any sense? I suppose not. It doesn’t make any sense to me either. I wish I could tell him this. Tell him what I was thinking right now.

Tell him how he makes me feel. How he can make my heart come alive and how he can also make it die. I want to tell him this and whisper in his ear to never let me go. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I tell him all that I want to, he’ll run away and leave me. And I’ll be nothing again. Nothing, but a piece of meat with dried blood.

I wish I could read minds. So I would know for sure that he loves me and that he was never going to go away. But for that I guess I also need a time machine! Because time changes people and he’d probably come to hate me in the future. It’s not that I’m insecure or doubtful of my own feelings. I know what I want and I always take action. The thing is, to no surprise, I’ve never been in love. I have never been in love before Michael. There were some men of course and let me assure you not many! But there had been some men whom I met and we had fun at times, but I never felt this. I believe what I’m feeling now, is almost a form of self-destruction. The pain that you feel is unbearable but the joy that comes with the pain is enough to make you want more. As if all your desires have been answered to.

“Look at me.” Michael said as he leaned forward and cupped my face.

“Go change. We have to get out of here!” He continued and then kissed my lips. Gently.

“Where to?” I said. My lips inches away from his.

“Why, love. That’s for me to know.” Michael said and then kissed me again. Not gently.

***

“Here, love. Put this on.” Michael said as he gave me his hat. I guess he noticed my hair going all bananas with the wind blowing.

“Thank you, sir.” I say putting the hat on. Cute little hat, really. Very cute. I didn’t think Michael would ever own such a cute anything!

“Is this a new car?” I ask.

“No, it’s my mate’s car. I borrowed it. No. not really. When I got your message I just took his keys and drove to your place. So technically if anything happens to this car, it’s you fault.” Michael said, quite happy with the conclusion he had gotten to.

“Drive slowly then, I don’t have enough money to afford this car’s door.” I say pushing my hair inside the hat.

“Don’t worry. I’m always careful.” Michael says and then speeds even more making me jump.

“Michael, come on! Please!” I say. Almost begging.

I can feel the speed becoming slower.

“Thank you!” I say. I then lean and give him a kiss on his cheek.

“I’m going to drive slowly, all the time!” Michael says, screaming.

I smile. A big one. I can feel the god damn thing all over my face.

“Wow.” He says.

“What?” I ask him.

“You smiled.” He says. “It had been a while.” He continues.

“Fuck Michael. You just earned yourself another kiss. If this goes on, I’m not sure I could keep my clothes on!” I say.