Sober

Chapter 24

“Ate? Lunch is ready. Dinalhan ka namin ng pagkain, kain ka muna?” Sarah said after knocking on her sister’s door. Beside her is Fatty who is holding a tray of food for Lea who has not come out of her room since last week. “Ate? Please? Labas ka naman d’yan oh. Nag-aalala na kami sa'yo.” Sarah added when she heard no response from her.

They have no idea what happened to her on that night she went home crying. But since then, she locked herself up to her room and avoided everyone. They wanted to talk to her but she would not say a word. She doesn’t even want to see them.

She looked at the staircase when she saw her father coming, “Hindi pa rin lumalabas?” Leo asked.

“Wala po yata talagang planong buksan ‘yung pinto.” Sarah answered and sighed.

Leo knocked as hard as he could on the door, “Lea Carmen, lumabas ka na d’yan!” he sounded firm and stern as if he was scolding his daughter. “Are you trying to kill yourself!? We are not forcing you to talk to us, just, at least, have some decent meal!”

“I’m fine.” Lea said that only she could hear. She wanted to say that out loud to make them believe that she is just fine and leave her alone. But even herself seemed unconvinced by that thought that she just whispered it to herself. She is not, in any way, feeling fine.

“If you won’t open this damn door, I am just going to break this!” she heard her father say.

“I said I am fine! Just leave me alone!” she shouted in annoyance, anger, and disappointment not because of the people outside but because of herself. She’s a total mess right now and she doesn’t want them to see that. She doesn’t want them to ask questions. She’s too embarrassed to be seen and heard right now.

The weight she is feeling in her heart is too heavy that she can feel it collapsing any time from now. Her heart bleeds everytime her eyes cry and she is physically and emotionally tired of feeling them all at once. She is mentally drained for Ian never left her mind, not even for a second. Every time she remembers him and the way he looked at her that day with so much pain in his eyes break her.

How was she able to hurt someone who did nothing but to make her feel special everyday? How was she able to hurt that person who accepted and loved her with no conditions!?

That breakup is the last thing that happened between them but she badly still wants to talk to him. There’s still so much she needs to say; there’s still so much he needs to hear.

She knows how selfish and unfair it is to wish this but she wants him back. She wants Ian back.

Her shoulders shook as she released a sob, but her eyes remained dry. She’s got no tears left to cry since she has poured everything that she could in the last eight days. She’s been feeling so helpless lately that inappropriate ideas start to come to her mind. She looked at the sachet of illegal substance she has in her hand, thinking of what to do with it. The attempt to take them have been her option to forget whatever that she is feeling right now— to forget her problems. Just like what she did eight years ago.

But she knew she cannot do it again. She slammed her forehead against her knees repeatedly because she is very much aware that she will not do it, no matter how much she wanted and needed to. She closed her hand to crumple and squeeze the sachet and threw it on the floor.

“Your life became so fucked up because of that. Huwag mo nang ulitin!” she told to her self.

“Pa, what are we going to do with Ate?” Sarah worriedly asked while they were heading downstairs. They decided to just leave Lea for the mean time as what she asked for.