I Know What It's Like To Be Dead | Beatles Fanfiction

Chapter 34

Chapter thirty-four

It didn't take too long before Paul picked me up and sat me down on the table, never disconnecting his lips from mine. His hands slowly running up and down my thighs while both my hands were lightly tugging at his hair. 
I broke the kiss to catch my breath, while resting my forehead against Paul's. I closed my eyes, processing what had just happened. I sighed as I ran my hand through his hair.

We sat there in silence, our foreheads still pressed against eachother, Paul's hands cupping my face and mine clutching his collar when memories came flooding back. Memories of us as happy teenagers. Of how in love we were, and of how we were best friends at the same time. And memories of me, of when I was better. Of me before the darkness took hold of me again and tried to destroy me from inside out. I tried my best to keep myself from crying, and from embarrassing myself in front of Paul, but I couldn't control it anymore. I let go off Paul's collar and leaned my head on his chest.
I didn't care anymore. Realizing how good life used to be, and how miserable it was now, was too much for me to handle at that moment. I quietly sobbed into Paul's chest. I felt him wrap his arms around me. 

"Alex, what's wrong?" he whispered, while stroking my back. I wrapped my arms around his body, clinging onto him as if he was my last chance to survive. I took a few deep breaths in and out to try and calm myself down.
"I just - I fucking missed you. I miss us. And I miss the old me." We let go off eachother. I wiped the tears that were still trickling down my cheeks and took another few deep breaths. 

Paul held me by my shoulders and raised his eyebrows. "I don't get what you mean with the old you. You're still the same beautiful Liverpudlian girl I met in 1958." 
I shook my head. "I was happy then. I'm bloody miserable now. I'm always surrounded by darkness Paul. There's always a voice telling me I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not worth it.
I'm never truly happy and this - this kiss - made me realize how happy I used to be. And I pity myself Paul. I pity myself for how pathetic I am now. Young me would've laughed in my face if she saw me." 

I bit my lip, trying to hold back another wave of tears but it didn't help. Tears kept streaming and I was sobbing again. I got off the table and went to the livingroom to put on my coat and shoes.
"Alex, please."
I quickly wiped away the stream of tears left on my cheek when Paul cupped my face, stopping me from putting on my scarf and forcing me to look at him.
"Alex. Listen to me." I didn't reply and just gazed at him.

"Whatever that voice in your head tells you, it's wrong. You're not pathetic. You're a beautiful young woman, building a life for yourself, after it had been ruined by some idiot who was too stubborn to face you. And I'm sorry for that. If I would've just listened to your side of the story back then, you probably wouldn't have been here. And I'm terribly sorry for that. I really am."

Paul's hands had wandered from my face to my hands by now. I looked down at my feet and closed my eyes for a second. I sighed and mumbled. "Maybe I need to ask for stronger pills. These ones don't seem to do their job too well, do they?" Paul nodded, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "That's a good plan. I'll go with you if you'd like me to." I shrugged. I hadn't noticed until that moment that we had been inching towards eachother. Paul's hand lingered and he was cupping my face again with one hand, brushing his thumb against my bottom lip. Soon enough we were kissing again. Me in my coat and shoes, and he with his tie and the first few buttons on his shirt undone. We both jumped when someone knocked on the door. Paul sighed and quickly went to the front door and when he opened it, it was no one else than Rachel.

When Rachel saw Paul she immediately threw her arms around his neck, kissing him right on the lips. This took me back to reality, realizing that what me and Paul had was something from the past. I quickly grabbed my bag and walked past the couple. And right before I stepped outside, I heard Paul call my name. 

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I turned around the corner and sighed. I could see the door to my flat. And someone was sitting in front of the porch. I took my keys, holding them to use them as a potential weapon, but when I got closer I could finally see who it was and sighed even deeper. They got up and smiled at me, handing me a bouquet of flowers. I took them and rolled my eyes, before opening my door.

"Come in, Lennon."