Blurbs of Thoughts

for mom

i will not be mad at you when you bring him home, i promise. i will not be angry when he brings along two other mouths to feed. i will not be upset when he tries to parent me, even if he is not my parent. i will smile, politely, and listen to him talk. i will do it for you, because you have made a choice. you have chosen him. i will not tell you that you choose wrong. i will not chastise you for settling because you didn't want to be alone after dad left. i will not be your parent, because i am not your parent. but i will tell you that he may not be the one for you. i will tell you that because i love you, and i want what's best for you. but i will tell you this and you must take it with a grain of salt because i have watched you smile around him for 12 years now and your face still lights up. i will not laugh at his jokes. i will not call him dad. i will not pretend that he is my favorite person in the world. but, for you, i will tolerate his presence. i will listen to his jokes and crack a smile every now and then. i will let him eat my food, and only speak up about it once or twice. i will do this for you, because your intentions were pure. you wanted to be in love, you wanted me to have a dad. you wanted us to be happy. and for that, i could never be angry with you.  i will love his kids as if they were blood. i promise. we will be a family, like you wanted, like you've always wanted for me. for you. for us. I will do this for you over and over, until i am bleeding from the cracks that are left in my face after smiling for so long. i will do this until you are happy, because that's what i really want. for you, mom. i want you to be happy.