A Choir Of The Coldest Hearts

Mayday, I'm In Trouble

TW: drug use/overdose

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As soon as I can, I pop three of the pills into my mouth, closing my eyes as I lean against the door. In my mind, Mike stands before me, laughing, alive. I let out a shuddering breath, feeling tears spill over my cheeks, the saltiness stinging the cuts on my face. The pain is good though, I deserve it, after what I've failed to do.

Again and again, the day flashes through my mind, the memories building up, even as I try to force myself to focus on my room. Breathe, I tell myself. Focus on something happy. I try to focus on the day. It was sunny out today. A good thing. I spent the afternoon with Kellin, that was good. Until I realized that my hopes had been futile from the start, that my plan was doomed.

I can't stop the torrents of memories from pouring in this time, my heart hammering in my chest as I struggle to breathe. Blood, so much blood, pouring over the room. The gleaming knife glowing blue. My brother, my poor younger brother, lying there, dead as I failed to save him.

"Fuck!" I scream. The window beside me shatters in a flash of purple light. It feels good to break something, my heart racing in my chest. For a wild moment, I want to throw myself out of it, let myself fall until I hit the ground. Then I'll actually see him again and apologize for not being enough.

I was supposed to protect him. That was my job—the only one that mattered at least. As his older brother, I was supposed to defend him from the world, keep him safe and alive. We never knew our parents, ever since we were young. I defended him for so long, fed him, kept him alive. I kept fires going when our lips went blue and our fingers went numb from the cold. I stole food and money when we needed it. I worked day and night until we could finally get a place to call our own. I did everything I could think of to keep him happy, or at least happy enough. And we were doing well, we were doing okay until that day. The day when I failed my one and only job.

I sink to the floor, burying my face in my hands as I let out a loud sob. The air crackles around me, red, purple, and blue, little statics of electricity clinging to my clothing. I struggle to take in a breath. Think something happy, I tell myself. Calm down. But no matter what I do, my mind flashes back to him, of what I failed to do.

As a last ditch measure, I reach into the pocket of my hoodie. My heart is racing as I fumble with the pill bottle cap, finally prying it off. I take in a shuddering breath, drying my face as I pour some out onto my hand. I can't see how many through my tears, but I don't care. My hand shakes as a few more tumble out. I'm shaking too much to put them back. I just need it to stop. I need it all to stop right now. My hand shakes as I turn them over in my hand. It's dangerous, I know, but I need it all to stop right now. I can't wait anymore, the desperation in me is growing. I need it all to stop, need it all to go away. I need to peaceful darkness, I can't take it, not for one more second, I need to—

I pop the pills into my mouth, swallowing them as the bitter taste floods my tastebuds. Closing my eyes, I wait, resting my head in my hands. I'm so tired of everything right now, all I want to do is sleep. Icy coolness floods through me, relief making me go weak as I slump against the wall, breathing hard as my heart rate slows from its blind sprint. I'm okay now. I open my eyes taking another deep breath before I push myself up from the ground.

That was a mistake. My head spins as I double over, the world lurches around me. I'm back on the floor in an instant, gasping as molten pain floods through my stomach. I can't breathe, agony pouring through me as I sink onto my side, darkness ebbing over the sides of my vision. I try to call out for help, but I doubt anyone hears me, from where I'm lying. I know I've gone too far this time. I'm so so scared right now. I'm going to die, I know it. My heart pounds in my ears, a reminder of what I've just done. Every time I try to take a breath, I can't. Even as I try to fight it, my strength fails and I feel myself being pulled farther and farther away.

As the darkness finally closes over my vision, I think I see Kellin standing in front of me, his eyes wide with horror, but he's gone before I can tell.