The first few days are the hardest. Every breath I inhale, every single waking moment, the need digs into my mind. Every part of my body aches, longing for another taste, another pill. It's like hunger, clawing at the insides of my throat, desperately trying to escape. It's the feeling of going without water for too long, when my throat is parched and dry, and there's a cup right in front of me, but I when I reach for it, it moves farther away.
And I want the relief so badly, I crave it with every breath I take. I want the feeling of surfacing from the bottom of the pool and taking that first deep breath as oxygen floods through my body. I want the sweet taste of water after dehydration has robbed my body of it for too long. I want to wash away the memories and pretend that nothing ever happened. It's easier that way.
My whole body feels like it's crawling. Like there are flames bursting across my skin, pain prickling up my arms. I can hardly sit still, shifting in my chair every few minutes. The memories bubble in my mind, whispering into my ears. I want them to go away, want them all to disappear. It would only take one, just for them to disappear. It takes everything in me to stay still, to not turn and reach for the bottle that I know isn't there.
But Kellin sits there, watching me the entire time, so I don't. He tries to distract me, tries to make me laugh. It's either him, Jack, Alex, or Jenna. Between the four of them, I'm not left alone, not even for a moment. The gesture warms my heart, even through the annoyance. They're sticking by me, unwaveringly, despite what I've done, not flinching when I scream at them or cry. Usually, it's Kellin staying with me though, since he doesn't have other obligations. He sits with me all night, keeping watch over me when I try to fall asleep. And though I'm annoyed the first few times, snapping at him to leave me alone, and stop hovering over me, I find myself becoming more and more okay with him constantly being there. It could be worse, I tell myself. He could have just decided to never see me again and disappear back to who knows where. At least he stayed.
He's there when I wake up from my nightmares, seeing my brother die in front of me all again, comforting me and soothing me. He's there, waiting after every class, walking with me to my next one or to my dorm. We never really talk what happened afterward, but he lets me know that he's there if I need him. Half the time, I wonder if he's there to reassure me or himself, to check that I'm still here. No matter what, it warms my heart, the knowledge that he really cares, that all of them do. They really care about me. The knowledge motivates me, keeping me going. I'm going to be okay, for all of them.
Those two weeks drag by, the time slowing down everytime I take a breath, reminding me of what happened and what I'm missing. But everything starts to get a bit easier. With Kellin there to distract me, I can feel the pull, the urge fading with the day. As long as he's here, he's all I need.
YOU ARE READING
A Choir Of The Coldest Hearts
FanfictionAfter dealing with the loss of his brother, Vic is spiraling. He blames himself for his brother's death, and honestly, who wouldn't? But he's a warlock who goes to a sorcery school for teenagers like him. So necromancy seems like the obvious solutio...
