Paper Cut Lover | Kylo Ren

THIRTY

The world seems to spin anxiously quicker than it once did before. 

Two hands still tick endless loops on my internal clock, but it is the beat of my heart which no longer carries the seconds, and with a crack in the face, the ticking time seems to take it upon itself to move as it wills, slowing here and there, but most of the time, flying by uncontrollably. 

Memories which feel as close to my soul as yesterday, turn flashes of moments into drawn out months and even years, cradling the spin of my new world, to a peaceful halt, but only when I think of those eyes.

Maybe, the world chooses to move differently around certain people, and graciously reward those who deserve nothing but glory and a life lived praised – And perhaps, this drawn out life of grey melancholy was the sinister punishment for my past mistakes. 

I will regret all that I had done, till the day I die – For maybe, if I hadn't submerged my life into a drowning sea of stupid and ignorant choices, I could maybe spend a day looking at my surroundings and not imagine what could have been.

People always underestimate how easy it is to fall in love. Maybe the idea of, 'love at first sight,' is a little bit overrated. But the hopeless romantics and the dead poets, had at least had one thing right.

Life has moments... And she was one of them.

I'll never forget her, and even if someone had the antidote to all this pain that I will forever carry around, I would refuse it for I didn't want to not remember the way she had allowed me to undeservingly, capture her heart. 

I didn't want to forget about her.

My own secrets had tried to sew her to me, the same as I had tried to keep the other part of my dreary life in-tact in the meantime. Till this very day, I'm still uncertain as to what was happening with my consciousness and integrity back then, but she seemed to always leave me breathless and drawn. I deserved to lose her, after keeping her in the chains of my own lies for so long, and on that day which she had found out everything, she pulled on those strings which my deceits had sewn into her skin, and she only wrapped them around my heart, as a reminder for the incredible loss.

Life with her was an enchanting blur, where the air she breathed out was my life-source and her smile was as intoxicating as a drug, which made me so devoted and swayed.

Without her, the world seemed sadder than usual and maybe that was because my soul was lonely without her's intertwined around it. Sometimes when the darkness of my misery tries to peck upon the remains of my heart and devour me entirely, I think back to the very first day, she had torn a hole into my narrative, and created a very special place, in which only she belonged.

I wanted her to be my Lolita, but she was never a fan of the original narrative in the first place.

I recall the exact way in which my eyes had caught a glimpse of her's in the endless rows of heads, as if her gaze had an invisible hand pulling mine into her glorious direction. There she was in class, so innocent and untouched from my cruel hands, the way she was suppose to be. Hair like a veil around her beautiful face and a smile that was contagious, she clouded my mind and haunted my integrity from the very beginning.

I shake my head to myself as I walk up the path of a new college, papers in hand and keycard, still hot from being freshly laminated, tucked down my shirt and pressing against my heart. Like it had many of times through the years, my mind has drifted to her again, for she is the island in my mind and I am the fallen castaway. 

Summer days is where I think of her the most, for her memory sits in the warmth and the butterflies which fly by, suddenly remind me of her beauty.