can't you see || asahi hamada ✔

十一

I ran out of the house, for I was already late for the warm up session.

It took me awhile to get to the pool, since I was wearing my swimsuit underneath and the weather had more mood swings than me. 

"Akari! Hurry up!" I saw Asahi waving to me.

"Akari, just join them in warming up. Make it quick," Coach Kang stated as I jumped into the pool. 

The cold, icy water shot up my spine as I dived in, head full of regret. What had I done? I ruined our whole relationship yesterday. My relationship with Haruto. I tried to wipe it off my mind and focused on my stroke. 

I kicked the water fiercely as my fingers cut through the sleek surface of the pool. 

"Ow!" I groaned as my fingers smacked the wall of the other side of the pool. As I emerged from the surface, half-naked Asahi flashed me a concerned expression.

"Still caught up from yesterday?" Asahi questioned. How did he know-

"I mean," Asahi coughed. "Are you okay?" 

I stared at him expectantly as I gave him a "I-know-you-know" look.

"Fine, I watched everything happen yesterday," he admitted. God, it was already embarrassing enough that I messed up with Haruto. Now, even Asahi witnessed it?

"I'm sorry," Asahi muttered. "I'll just continue swimming now." 

Sighing, I swam behind him.

After many laps and also many rounds of thinking how to make it up to Haruto, warm ups were over. The competition was in ten minutes. As I glanced around nervously, I waited for Asahi to come. 

"Kari, catch!" Asahi threw a packet of gummy bears towards me.

"This will boost your energy," he smiled. I stared at the gummy bears. I didn't even have appetite to eat. Asahi stared at me as he opened a pack of gummy bears and pushed one into my mouth.

"Now, chew. Don't skip snacks," Asahi stated as he shoved one gummy bear into his mouth.

"We are in the same heat you know?" Asahi asked.

(Author's note: In case you guys don't know: Heat – The group of swimmers who swim a race at the same time. Several heats may be held in a particular event.)

"Yeah, and you're the fastest among all of us," I sighed.

"Duh," Asahi said cockily.

"Oh shut up," I nudged him and smiled.

"Oh you're smiling. I assume everything is alright," Asahi teased. 

< Competition >

"Ready, get set, beep!" 

I plunged into the water as I kicked my legs, hands rigorously splashing the water to propel myself forward. Don't think about Ruto...Don't think about Ruto...

"You have changed Akari."

Focus. You need to get a new personal best. 38 seconds...38 seconds...Ruto is not important.

"Stop acting pathetic! You are pathetic! Stop acting like the victim. You keep doing that."

You're not pathetic Akari Yoshida. Prove it. I slammed the water surface harder and harder as I bobbed my head above the water, gasping for air. 

"I don't know what happened after I left, but this isn't the Akari I used to know! What happened to trust?"

Don't. Think. About. Haruto!

I finally hit the wall on the other side of the pool as I leaned against the lane rope, catching my breath. It was over...

As I glanced up at the display board, I searched for my name. 

Akari Yoshida - Ace Swimming Club - 40.18 seconds
Asahi Hamada - Ace Swimming Club - 36.89 seconds

I sighed and rubbed my temples in displease. I had failed to beat my personal best of 38 seconds, much less reach it. 

As I pulled myself out of the pool, Asahi patted my back. 

"It's fine Kari, it's just one competition. You can do better the next round," Asahi comforted.

I stayed silent. Anger was already building up in me. How could Haruto say those things about me? Was he even still the Haruto I used to know? 

I muttered an inaudible okay and ran to the warm down pool, where there were less people. 

"Akari, I'll go get us some Gatorade so we can warm down properly. Wait here," Asahi jogged towards the drink machine. 

"You're just being paranoid!" 

It keeps ringing in my head. I don't know how to stop it...

"Sometimes you need to see how freaking toxic you are!"

I'm not toxic Ruto...If only you would understand. You're too precious to me. I can't lose you yet again. 

Perhaps this was a feeling of insecurity, I thought as I slumped into the pool. I held my breath and plunged into the water, keeping my balance atop the floor of the pool. 

I felt like crying. 

In fact, I felt like sobbing. 

A continuation from yesterday.

I felt like dying. 

As I sunk deeper and deeper into the pool, I felt my heart sinking and sinking, as with my body. 

I was tired.

I was sick.

I was sick and tired of whatever games Haruto Watanbe was playing. If he didn't even want to have an official relationship with me, why announce it to the whole school population?

Was it fun? Was is fun embarrassing me in front of every girl he flirted with? 

Did he just do it for popularity? For more girls to become desperate for him? I hated thinking this way, but I couldn't control it.

What was the rationale for Haruto's words? 

Unless there was none...

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to rest. 

Permanently.