Total eclipse of a heart (Embry Call)

29. Trust

Expect the best, prepare for the worse - that's always been my mother's motto. She wasn't quite alike my father and the rest of the family even if she was the leader. There was wisdom in her actions, each of them thought out and carefully planned - every move had a countermove she could reach for in case she needed it. Very few of her wise words remained with me, very few good memories but I remember this and God, I really needed them today.

Embry didn't hesitate, shifting in front of me without a second thought and while I didn't turn around, my eyes refused to move lower than his ember brown ones. Silence settled in, no words spoken and I'm waiting, hoping, praying he's going to say something and break this unbearable weight placed on my chest and yet I know, he's waiting for me to do the same. After all, I was the one who left.

"I..." Fuck. Why is this so hard? I must have rehearsed the speech a thousand times over in the past, every day, every night as I laid awake staring at my ceiling, I had made a speech worthy being listened to, an apology deserving forgiveness. Thousands of speeches, thousands of apologies and none of them would come to me now in my moment of need.

"You look...good." I continue, frowning at my own words because this is the old me, the coward who pushed her emotions down and played the people she loved. This is the huntress protecting her feelings, no matter who gets hurt in the process.

"That's all?" Embry speaks up and I can tell he's disappointed. He must have had some sort of an idea of how he would want this to go if we ever met again and I'm completely ruining it. It's right there, in front of me, he is asking me to step up and be a human being instead of a machine my father made me into and yet it's incredibly hard for me to move, to do anything he might find as apologetic, as sincere, as good enough for a meet up after all these months. It's been nearly nine months since the last time we held hands, spoke like there's a future for us.

I was really naive to think that, wasn't I?

"It's been nine months and all you got for me is 'you look good'?" The way he mocked my tone and way of speaking sparked anger inside of me, making blood rush to my face and I want to let go and give into the huntress and her instinct of exploding, but I pined for this man, this eighteen year old boy that was forced to mature far too young just as I have and I cannot bring myself to take the easy way out. I don't want to push him away, I want to let him in, closer and closer until I can't breathe. I want him to know me, to love me, to make promises he might not be able to keep but he'd damn sure try to. I don't want to look back with regret.

"Listen, I...It's shit, I know. There were so many versions of so many different speeches inside my head that I would deliver perfectly and you'd understand why everything happened and we'd rebuild our trust and just find a way around it all. There were so many words, so many possible scenarios and I gotta be honest, none of them mean shit now." Sighing, I push my hands into the back pockets of my jeans and step down the porch stairs and onto the grass, the ground still soft under my feet after the rain La Push is known for.

"None of those words will explain why I did what I did, because they mean nothing to you. I wanted to protect you from my family. Had I stayed, they would have zeroed in on you and the Cullens and there would be a war and I didn't want anyone to get hurt because I care about all three sides." Shrugging, I take a step closer to the scowling wolf who had trouble maintaining his composure, even more so as the wind blew at my back, bringing my scent to him.

"My family will never see reason and if I stood with you, it wouldn't make a difference. My father would have put a bullet in my forehead himself if he knew I was even here now instead of Volterra where he sent me. But I came here anyway. I made that call to you anyway, because I didn't know if I will ever get to see you, feel you...kiss you, and I wanted you to know I care. I fucking care, Embry and you were my last call - the person I most wanted to hear before I die and that's exactly what Volterra would have been for me if I didn't make a...friend on the way." Biting my lower lip, I avert my gaze to the ground, knowing Alec must remain my secret, someone I see in my dreams but never in reality. Embry wouldn't understand that and I didn't want to put more strain on our relationship...friendship? I'm not sure what we have now.