Heart 3: Swollen Heart

CHAPTER 14

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PREIOUS PZRAE’S POV

I already have a lot of missed calls either from Glen, Chris, Arvin and Orlando, but I don’t freaking care!

What for?!

What was that for?

Bakit hindi siya ang tumawag sa akin? Was he afraid?

Afraid? I don't freaking think so. Nagawa nga niyang walang-hiyain ako sa sariling pamamahay ko e.

The glimmering stars scattered around the night sky are peacefully watching me savoring the sorrow I have inside. Gumuhit sa lalamunan ko ang mainit na likido kasabay ng paghalik ng isang malamig na ihip ng hangin sa aking katawan.

Why are they being like this?

Ano bang mali sa akin? Bakit nila ako ginaganito? It took me a lot of courage to trust a guy again. . . ‘cause I thought they’d just plunge their knives on my heart. I know I'm gonna be just swollen. . . alam ko naman pala pero bakit nagtiwala pa ako?

“There are a lot of things they don’t know about me. Hindi nila alam kung gaano na kabigat. . .” I rested my elbow on my veranda’s railings, still gripping the can of beer, and wiped my wet face through my other hand. “Bakit naman dinagdagan pa?”

“PAPAYAG NAMAN AKONG GAGUHIN NILA, E!” I bursted out as tears rushed out from my eyes. “Ayos lang naman, e.”

My legs swooned as if every little strength of my system was taken away. I couldn’t do anything but to cry alone. My sobs and tears against my palm.

“Ayos lang naman na g-gaguhin. . . ako,” I sobbed. “Ayos lang sa akin basta h-hindi harap-harapan.”

The moon is my one only witness breaking down through this agony. Bawat parte ng sugat na akala ko’y unti-unti nang naghihilom, mamamaga pala nang ganito.

Arjo made me happy. He really mean a lot to me. I always do care for him. I gave him everything. I gave myself. . . even my soul. Tapos ganito lang?

Ganito lang? Gano’n na lang?

Nalilito rin ako sa sarili ko, e. Gustong-gusto kong makatanggap ng paliwanag mula sa kaniya pero ako naman ‘yong may ayaw na kausapin siya.

“M-Ma’am. . .”

I turned my head to where the familiar yet new voice for my ears coming from.

Darkness was hugging his whole body. Only a half of his white shirt and gray shorts is all I can see through the kiss of moonlight.

I quickly stood up from the ground and stretched my shirt down. I almost fall back on the floor as I try to maintain my balance in spite of my fuzzy vision.

The moonlight is reflecting on his dark, glimmering eyes. He also look so. . . miserable? What's with him?

“K-Keiroh," I finally muttered as I pulled a little chair near me and sat on it. Ipinatong ko sa kaharap kong mini-table ang beer in can at ipinukol muli sa kaniya ang aking mata. “Upo ka.” I tried my best being polite and act so normal.

He cleared his throat and ducked his head down as he took his way towards the chair adjacent from mine. The chair’s feet scratched against the pavement of my veranda as he pulled it.

“What do you need?” I rested my elbow on the table and massaged my head.

“U-uh. . . ” He choked as if something’s blocking his words. He also couldn’t plunge his eyes on mine. “Nakita ko p-po kasing, uh. . . ano. . . kumuha kayo ng alak s-sa ref. . . ” He tried giving me glance but he immediately yanked his eyes away.

“And?”

“Bawal po sa inyo ‘yan.”

My brows met, wrinkling my forehead. “Wait—what?!”

Tumikhim ulit siya habang nakatungo. “Bawal p-po kayo—” He wasn't able to finish his sentence when his tears bursted from his eyes out. He started sobbing, widening my eyes in surprise.

“Are you okay?” I leaned forward and rested either of my elbows in the table and stared at him, pero iniiwas niya lang mukha niya sa akin.

Something warm embraced my heart as I saw him miserably wiping his tears away through his arm. Parang siyang bata na iniwan ng kaniyang ina sa gitna ng kawalan. How heavy his sobs were. . . how unstoppable his tears were. . . he also has a swollen heart.

“S-sabi niya sasamahan ko s-siya, e. . .” he uttered nowhere saka umub-ob sa mesa. Tumataas-baba ang kaniyang balikat habang umiiyak, pero hindi ko man lang magawang tumayo at patahanin suya kasi pakiramdam ko matutumba ako sa kalasingan. “Siya ‘yong nagsabi na samahan ko siya, e. . . bakit ako ‘yong naiwan?!” he said in between of his sobs and gritted teeth.

My eyes warmed.

“Hindi ko pa nga napapatunayan ang sarili ko, e. Ang laki ng utang na loob k-ko, hindi ko man lang magawang suklian.” He slightly punched the table through his tightly fisted hand. “Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi nasasaktan ako kahit wala namang kami.”

“W-what happened?” I stuttered. It was as if I was just awakened right now Kaya ngayon ko lang din naisipang tumayo. Muntikan pa akong matumba, buti na lang naituon ko ang kamay ko sa mesa. “Shh. . . it’s okay. . .” I hushed as I tried rubbing his hard and broad back.

He only continued sobbing heavily as if he was carrying all the pain that the world has.

“Dapat simula pa lang. . . dapat simula pa lang sinabi na niyang hindi puwede.” He blubbered. “Napamahal lang ako sa kaniya, e.”

A bitter grin paved on my face. “That’s how love works. When someone’s leaving, the other one will be in pain. It either you're both crying, o ikaw lang ang nasasaktan.” I bit my lip.

Where the heck do those words came from?!

Tinunghay niya ako dahilan para masalo ko ang nanunubig at nangungusap niyang mga mata. His soul looked so soft. He looked so swollen.

“Ako lang ang nasasaktan, halata naman.” He let out a bitter chuckle. “Nagawa pa nga niyang makipaglampungan, e.”

“Is it Angela?” I raked his soft, black hair habang nakatingala siya sa akin.

“Oum,” he mumbled, pressing his lips tightly.

“The man she’s flirting with is my boyfriend.” I bit my lower lip.

His eyes widened. “Ha?!”

“Yeah.” My hand crawled from his head to his neck. I don't know why, it's just I like doing this to him.

Parang noon pa lang niya namalayan ang ginagawa ko kaya bahagya niyang iniiwas ang tingin niya sa akin.

“Masakit ba?” I crashed the silence.

“Alin? Hindi. Nakakakiliti nga, e.” He sounded awkward.

“No, not that.” I cupped his chin at iginiya ang mukha niya pagtingala sa akin. When I already caught his shining, soft eyes, I muttered, “I’m talking about angela.”

He chuckled. “Syempre masakit.”

My whole body stoned when his arms snaked around my waist. Sweat drenched my whole body as if a fire inside me is inevitably growing.

Fuckshit! I’m not a virgin, why am I acting like this?!

He pulled me towards him and buried his face to my tummy and cried against it. His sobs were heavy. His tears were wetting my shirt. . . but, I could only feel those famous butterflies inside the stomach.

“Pain never fades. . . we’re just getting used to it,” I mumbled, staring at the glistening stars scattered around the sky. “Namnamin lang natin ang sakit, masasanay rin tayo.”

And then a lone tear escaped from my eye and took its way down.

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