Heart 3: Swollen Heart

CHAPTER 21

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PREIOUS PZRAE’S POV

“Keiroh, bakit hindi man lang ako magawang mahalin ng mga lalaking pinapahalagahan ko?” A lone tear escaped from my eye.

“Anong sinasabi mo?” I could see through my peripheral vision that he’s looking at me through his creased face but I just rested my head on his shoulder, his arm around me.

“I gave Arjo what I could... yet I still had an unfulfillment to him that he find to another girl,” I started. “Kulang siguro ako... palagi na lang kulang.”

A cold wind whispered. Keiroh rested his head on mine and rubbed my arms through his palm, trying to ease the cold.

“And you know what’s the worst, Keiroh? It’s I love Dad the way I know and all I can... but still... he’s not making me feel the same way.” I wiped a tear. “Oo, may sama ako noon ng loob sa kaniya... labing-apat na kaarawang hindi ko siya nakasama... labing-apat na paskong wala siya... ang sakit no’n. Keiroh, ang sakit e.”

Keiroh did not muttered a word and just sincerely listening to me as we watched the view together.

“Ang sakit kasi ngayong nandito na ako... ngayong nandito na siya... parang hindi ko pa rin siya kasama.” My tears bursted out. My sobs gets heavy that I couldn’t breathe properly anymore. “Kulang siguro ako, Keiroh... palagi na lang k-kulang.”

We were enveloped by silence; only the sound of my miserable sobs were what we could hear. I tried averting my eyes from the view and looked at Keiroh who’s savouring the place; sadness evident on his face.

“Mas gusto ko sa dilim kasi doon, walang makakakita sa akin.” I was surprised to his tone full of agony. “Doon, walang makakakita sa akin sa tuwing kailangan kong maging mahina. Sa dilim na lang ako umaasa, dilim na lang ang nagiging karamay ko.”

“I pretty know how to give genuine love but I don’t know how to receive one.”

“Sa tuwing naiinis ako sa mundo, sa dilim ako tumatakbo. Sa gitna ng dilim ko ilalabas lahat ng galit ko. Sa gitna ng dilim ko ilalabas lahat ng sakit... lahat ng bigat; ng lungkot; lahat.” I looked up at him and wiped a liquid on his cheek through my thumb. “At alam mo kung ano ang pinakamasakit na nailabas ko sa dilim? Pangungulila, Pzrae.” And he suddenly, he burst out. Para siyang bulkan sa sumabog at ipinutok lahat ng bigat at sakit sa didbdib niya. “Pangungulila... kasi kahit anong galit ko sa kaniya hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong maghanap. Para namang hindi niya kami minahal. Hindi man lang niya kami naranasang ibili ng damit. Hindi ko man lang naranasang makatanggap ng halik, ni yakap mula sa kaniya. Pero, Pzrae, magsisinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong hindi ko siya mahal.”

I was stunned. Hindi ko siya maintindihan but I could feel the pain radiating from him.

“Kaya ang laki ng utang na loob ko sa dilim. Dilim ang isa sa nagiging dahilan kung bakit ako nananatiling malakas sa gitna ng naliwanag.” He smiled nowhere and looked at me. “Nakakatakot lang kasi baka hindi ko na rin kayanin. Baka dumating ako sa punto na kahit sa liwanag, hindi ko na magawang maging malakas.”

I grabbed his hands and my palm traced circles on it. “Wala kang karapatan na matakot kapag kasama mo ako,” I retorted.

He chuckled as he shed his tears away. “Pero, Pzrae... ang gusto kong sabihin, e hindi mo puwedeng isipin na hindi ka mahal ni Sir.” He collected himself again and backed to his usual self as if he was very used being in that pain. “Ayoko manghimasok pero hindi siya maghahanap ng butler kung hindi ka niya mahal. Kasi, Pzrae, kung nasasaktan dahil lang hindi mo makasama ang daddy mo, hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman mo kung ikaw ang nasa sitwasyon ko.”