Before You Leave

15. I'm So Confused

As soon as the clock hit 7:00, I was up and getting changed.

I decided on a red tank top and a light jacket and jeans.

I had to go. I couldn't see Gideon and he couldn't see me. If he saw me, I don't know what would happen. I was afraid to know.

I met up with Aria, who was wearing a green crop top and black, baggy jean shorts. "Why are you getting me up so early?" She grumbles, making a frowning face as we sat down on a bench in the quad.

"I just wanted to catch up with you," I lied.

She looked me up and down with her dark blue eyes, scanning my face. "No you didn't," she said slowly. "You're lying. Why are you lying to me?" She took a drink of her coffee.

I was wanting to talk a bit before I came out with it, but I went ahead. "Gideon kissed me yesterday."

Coffee ended up on the red table, leaking through the holes. She wiped her mouth as she coughed a bit and raised her eyebrow as she got a napkin out of her purse.

"You kissed Gideon?"

"No!" I protested. "He kissed me, I didn't kiss him."

She snorted. "I see it all over your face, Jen."

The nickname didn't anger me too much. "Okay, so I kissed him back. But he did it first!"

"This isn't kindergarten." I stick out my tongue as she wiped the table.

"I'm just so confused, Ari."

"Confused?"

"I mean... I kissed Samuel to prove something to myself and then I kiss Gideon like twenty minutes later." I shake my head. "I'm pathetic."

Aria snorted. "It's not like you belong to either of them."

"But it's wrong."

"Some when do you care about your morals, J?" She smirked. "He's making you soft."

"Is not."

"Is too!" She protested, giving me a smile as she stopped her wiping.

"He's not making me soft, Aria," I whispered, playing with my hands. "I think he's making me a good person."

"Disgusting," Aria remarked.

"Exactly. I know!" I put my head in my hands, my elbows resting on the table.

I didn't want to have a conscience. I didn't want to feel bad about being a bitch, I wanted to do what I want when I wanted.

"God. He makes everything so difficult!" I'm practically pulling my blonde hair.

"JJ, you're being dramatic."

I chuckled. "Aria, you are the very definition of dramatic." From her winged eyeliner and dark red lip stick, she went out of her way to look bold.

She smirked. "Glad you noticed."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Do you like Gideon?" She asks, as if it was obvious.

No answer came out of my mouth. Not a peep, no movement, even. Until, "I could never like a kiss ass."

"How about Samuel?"

I made a gross face. "Hell no."

"And why is that?" She asks.

"Samuel is young. And stupid. And confused." I shake my head. "He's all passion."

Aria tilted her head as people started to pass us. "Passion is a bad thing?"

"Passion is passion." I played with the holes on the table. "It fades overtime. It's not a bad thing in relationships, but if it's all you have... it's not going to last."

"I would figure everything out before you kiss him again," she tells me. She gets up suddenly, taking her satchel with her. "We should get to class."

I sighed heavily. "You're right."