ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴛʜᴇ ɢʟᴀss ᴡɪɴᴅᴏᴡ ☑

Conscience

"I am here," Jimin complained and lowered his voice. "Don't deny it, Jungkook. Don't fight it. I can see that you also feel it, but you always run away from it."

"Run from what?" Jungkook scoffed sadly, covering his face with his palm and rubbing it harshly while tugging on his hair.

"The connection, it's there. You need to give us a chance. I didn't want to do this now. I wanted to be patient because I know how much you need time, but you are leaving in ten days and I can't help it. I want this," Jimin bobbed his throat, engulfing the ball which appeared there out of nowhere. "I am scared that if I let go, I'll have made the biggest mistake of my life. I am attracted to you. I like you and if we give this a chance, we both will gain something beautiful. I need you, Jungkook."

"You need me." Jungkook straightened and looked at Jimin. No, he didn't look, he searched for the truth deep into the man's soul, eyes hollow and tears ceased in.

"Please tell me you'll think about it," Jimin held his hand again with hope. "You don't have to leave. You stay here and continue to look for jobs. We can figure it out soon."

"What if I don't get one soon."

"It doesn't matter."

"It does." Jungkook murmured.

"No, Jungkook-"

"IT FUCKING DOES!" Jungkook yanked his hand back and Jimin pressed his lips together. The 20-year-old sobbed out. "I don't want to feel small again. I don't want to be dependent on anyone but myself. I want to have enough money so no one would look at me like I am a burden, to- to not fear falling s-sick because I can't afford the treatment, to be enough that I can walk with my head high and not be compelled into living with someone who doesn't respect me or make me feel like I don't matter. I can't put the steering of my happiness in someone else's hand again. I just can't. You need to understand that I c-can't."

Jimin's eyes formed a sheen at last and he slid closer to the younger's shaking body. Jungkook launched himself into the man's arms and the moment he found the security of embrace, ripped and choked sobs tore him down. He promised himself that this was the last time he was crying for this reason, that the mourning needs to stop. 

"I am so sorry sweetheart that it happened to you and he didn't love you the way you deserved to. I am sorry that you feel that way about yourself. I wish you could see yourself through me." Jimin caressed Jungkook's head, not asking him to stop crying.

Jungkook needed this. 

He kept whispering soothing words and stroking Jungkook's head gently while his heart shrunk with ache. Food forgotten, they sat there until Jungkook's eyes went dry and Jimin's chest wet. They sat there until Jungkook stopped speaking and only took shaky sighs and breaths, not moving, only feeling pain, so much pain. Just like Jungkook knew that he wasn't letting Jin and his memories ruin him anymore, he also knew that this wasn't going to repeat ever again, so he mourned one more loss. "That day," he spoke without thinking, his eyes blankly staring at a dark spot. "How did you know I needed to go to the hospital."

"I saw you walk in into the building looking completely drunk. I just wanted to make sure you reached your flat safely. When I stepped out of the elevator to your floor, I heard him. He was talking to his brother... That..."

"Say it."

"He broke you so much, Jungkook. I wasn't there to see everything, but when I saw him running away and leaving you behind, I knew how much you had been through with him. You deserve the world and I am ready to bring it to you to the best of my capabilities."

Jungkook looked down.

"Try to let me in. I can't express my feelings for you at this point, but I can promise that you'll never cry with me."

Jungkook didn't say anything. 

The long silence pushed Jimin to the edge. "Fuck. I can't do this." 

Jungkook's body tingled at Jimin's panicked tone and he pulled away. "You can't do what?"

"I can't tell you that I love you and not tell you what I have done. I can't claim to be a better person when I am not." Jimin shook his head. 

"What have you done?" The queasy feeling returned and took Jungkook by the gut.

"You were taking out the trash and you asked me if you looked pale," Jimin eyes were low and his breathing was frantic. "The first time I saw you was the day you moved in. I felt attraction so strong that it made me blind to everything and everyone else. I found out that you didn't live alone. I am on the committee so I read your apartment lease. Hell, I could hear you from my bedroom. It was before Christmas that I stalked you to the ground floor that night and I carried you here." 

"You carried me here?!" Jungkook couldn't understand a thing. Why would he carry him here? When all Jimin's words were soothing on his soul, these were nothing but acidic on his insides now.

The man nodded his head shamefully.

"Why?" As Jungkook was forming the one-word question, he got the answer and a helpless gasp left him. 

Jimin discerned that Jungkook has gotten what he was conveying when the latter stood up. He also followed. "I couldn't go through with it, Jungkook," he informed desperately. "I wanted you like crazy for all those weeks, but when you were here, I couldn't touch you. My conscience didn't let me."

"You tried to rape me." Jungkook wrenched Jimin's heart with his clear and hateful glare.

There was pin-drop silence. 

I saw that clip and knew something was up.

Jungkook's head spun and he ran towards the bedroom before shutting the door behind him. 

Jimin didn't move. The word pushed into his soul as a knife and twisted until he bled all over.

You tried to rape me.

He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe.

You tried to rape me. 

The invisible knife mounted the pain inside him so sharp that he felt he was having a heart attack. He clutched his chest and breathed with difficulty, trying to get as much air as he could, but all his efforts seemed to be in vain. 

You tried to rape me. 

He soon realized it wasn't about his heart, he was getting a panic attack for the first time.