The White Peacock (A Draco Malfoy Fanfic)

Chapter 26: I'm Scared

Murphy's POV

It's been a month since the agreement between Draco and I was made, we found ourselves in that empty classroom a few times since then. Draco has been leaving notes when I wasn't looking whenever he wanted me to meet him, we never spoke when we got into the room, as soon as we would be alone, all we wanted to do was just be entangled together as fast as possible. He would usually want to see me when he was having a bad day, I could sense it, he would be rougher when he was angry and more gentle and slow when he was sad or pained. Safe to say I preferred it when he was angry.

After we would finish devouring each other, he would leave to the room of requirement, I was obviously curious about what he was doing, as well as scared to know what it could be, but I followed the rules and never asked. Being with him was so intense, so pleasurable and so addictive that my curiosity, fears and morals were not worth losing my drug, which was him. I already knew that was bad thing, I made a promise to myself about the person I wanted to be, and that person no longer existed when I was with him, he was bad for me, yet I couldn't stay away.

I felt pathetic dreaming about a guy who didn't even want to talk to me, who wouldn't want to be caught dead with a mud blood, I knew I was slowly losing myself and losing sight of the person I wanted to be. Over that stupid boy with the platinum hair.

Anabelle, Cherry and I were in our dorm, making the invitations for Cherry's Christmas party at her family's holiday house, the break was approaching in 2 months and we needed to invite people. Finalising the list, I only wanted socially acceptable people, after getting involved with Draco, I felt myself reverting back to the superficial person I used to be, who cared about social status and perfect grades. It helped me feel in control again and give me something to keep my mind off him

Anabelle and Cherry noticed how I was slowly turning back into perfect Margot, as my mum would say, however they knew I was dealing with something and they gave me the space and privacy I wanted. I knew I had to tell them about Draco, I knew they would be disappointed but I also knew they would be there for me.

"Why is there a fourth year on this list, what are we babysitting" I exclaim frustratedly.

"Her parents are super wealthy, and have major influence in the ministry, trust me she is someone we need to befriend" Cherry explains.

"Fine" I say scribbling her name on an invitation.

"what's got you in a mood" Anabelle says dryly.

"Nothing, I just got a lot on my mind, and a lot to get done" I say evasively.

"Don't worry, this is going to be fun" Cherry says reassuringly. I looked back at her with a smile, I was grateful for these people in my life.

"I just need to finalise the staff and catering for the party, my parents have kindly provided the funds for it but I need to find trustworthy people from the wizarding world, this would be so much easier if this was in the muggle world, I know so many reliable caterers, and I have planned every single event at my house since I was 12" I say firmly.

"you could ask Blaise" Anabelle suggests.

"Blaise wouldn't even know the difference between a dinner napkin and a tablecloth" I say mockingly. Blaise and I were still hanging out, much to Draco's dismay, he could sense I was taking a step back from things, but that didn't stop his flirty banter, which I still enjoyed.

"I suppose I could ask, dare I say, Parkinson" I say bitterly

"Her mother is known for throwing the most extravagant events" Cherry says.

I toss the invitation in my hand on the bed, feeling over it. I look over to Cherry and Anabelle glumly, knowing I needed to tell them. "How about we take a break, and maybe go for a walk" I say to them.

"Sure, why not" Anabelle exclaims jumping out of her bed, Cherry following her.

We make our way down towards Hagrid's Hut. "So, I kind of did something" I say to them reluctantly.

"we could tell something was up" Cherry says with a laugh.

"Oh my god, you and Blaise had sex" Anabelle screams. We all stop walking.

"No, not Blaise" I say without thinking.

"wait so you did have sex" Cherry gasps.

"with who?" Anabelle asks

"Okay I really need you two to not overreact right now, and I really need you to be more supportive and less judgemental and disappointed" I say firmly.

"Geez you are acting like you slept with Malfoy" Anabelle says with a laugh.

I go silent in shock.

"Wait...no... you are joking" Anabelle gasps.

"How and when and why" Cherry says burying her face in her hands as though she didn't want to know

"It happened the night of that slug club dinner, well actually it kind of started the night of the quidditch tournament, long story short, I couldn't help myself, I could never help myself around him, but it has been happening for a month now" I say feeling ashamed.

"Murph, ignoring the fact that this is dangerous for obvious reasons, why would you want to, I mean after everything he did you to you, he has never accepted your blood line" Cherry says concerningly.

"I'm not even sure he does now, I don't really know anything but all I do know is that he really wants me, and I really want him and there's just this thing between us, I can't explain it, it's almost like I can actually feel this energy radiating through my body when we touch" I say looking down. "I also smelt him in the Amortentia, my patronus is a...." I trail off not wanting to say.

"You still have feelings for him, don't you?" Cherry says putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Yep, Im infatuated with a boy I can never be with" I say looking down.

"Murph I just don't understand, what has gotten into you lately with this reckless self-destructive behaviour, I mean first you get completely drunk to the point of passing out, you have been more concerned with juvenile games with Pansy and even Blaise and now you literally sleeping with the enemy " Anabelle says concerningly

"She is right, we have been worried about you for a while, why are you doing this?" Cherry says sympathetically.

"Because I'm scared!" I scream, "I'm literally scared all the time, every day, I'm a muggle born witch in a world where a powerful dark wizard is starting a war against my kind, I have found myself in this situation where I'm just helpless and forced to pretend like everything is okay and put my faith in people like Dumbledore and Harry" I say choking up "I don't want to just sit here and let the fear consume me, and for some reason when I'm with him, when I kiss him, I forget everything and suddenly I don't feel scared" I say looking down.

"Murph, I didn't realise that you have been feeling this way" Cherry says sympathetically

"I want to fight with Harry, I want to help the side I have chosen but I don't like feeling like I don't have control" I say to them.

"But what happens if Draco is a death eater?" Anabelle says grimly.

"I honestly don't know, which makes me feel sick to my stomach" I say to them firmly.

"I'm glad you told us" Cherry says wrapping her arms around me

"I'm just happy you guys understand" I say back with a smile

"Well, we aren't completely on board but we always have your back no matter what" Anabelle says reassuringly

"I realise I need to stop being irresponsible and start facing my fears at some point, so I know this thing with him can't last forever but I want to have it as long as I am allowed too" I say to them.