Blink Of An Eye

Chapter 14

Ryan's POV

I had no idea where I was going, I just knew I needed some space, and the look on Olivia's face and the devastation in her eyes when I blurted out that I did not love her haunted me. I hurt her and she did not deserve that. She did not deserve any of this. Did I mean to blurt it out? No. Did I mean what I said? I don't know. I honestly don't know much of anything these days. I just knew I needed to get away from Olivia because whether I meant to or not, I was bound to say something else hurtful. A part of me wanted to apologize on the spot, but another part of me just wanted to get the hell out of there because I could not bear to see the hurt in her beautiful hazel eyes.

Sturgill had followed me out of the house and jumped into the truck with me. I was glad because I could really use someone to talk to who wouldn't talk back. Someone who wouldn't tell me what an ungrateful fool I was.

I drove for what felt like hours, literally going around in circles, which was almost fitting because it was a bitter reminder that these might be the only circles I would be driving in. What if my career was over? What the hell was I going to do with my life? I didn't know anything but how to drive a race car.

I finally stopped the truck at the edge of a secluded lake. It looked like a good place to stop and think, to be alone with my thoughts. Just me and my dog. It was a little chilly out, so I found a jacket and a blanket in the back seat of my truck. Somehow, I knew they were there. Strange how your brain works sometimes.

I sat down on the grassy shore, Sturgill next to me, clearly waiting for me to speak. He seemed familiar with this place, almost as if he knew where we were, and why we were here, even if I didn't know myself. Have we been here before? Did the part of my mind that was locked away lead me here intentionally?

"I don't know what to do bud. Life is such a mess right now." I spoke, and watched Sturgill cock his head at me. It was almost as if he were listening intently, waiting for me to go on, or maybe he just thought I was crazy. I was beginning to wonder that myself.

"I know you love Livvy, and she loves you too. Hell, she loves me, and I'm not even sure why. I'm not the man she married. I don't know who that man is, but it can't be me because I don't fucking remember. Why can't I just remember?" I choked back a sob, not even realizing I was crying until I felt the hot tear roll down my icy cheek. I wrapped the blanket tighter around myself to ward off the chill, chiding myself because I never cry, not since I was a kid anyway. At least I didn't think I did.

Did I feel something for Olivia, that went beyond the fondness I had for my old friend? Sure I did. How could I not? She was a warm, caring, loving woman. An amazing mother. She was kind and beautiful, but did I love her? I wasn't sure, although there was definitely something there. Then there was Makenna. My beautiful daughter. I definitely felt something for her. I felt a bond with her the moment Olivia had walked into my hospital room with her.

"I think I should let her go." I said to Sturgill tearfully. He whined when I said this, and I swore at that moment, he understood exactly what I said. "She deserves so much more. She deserves someone that she can love who can love her back. Holding on to her because I don't want to be alone, even if I'm not sure I love her would make me a selfish bastard. I can still be a dad to Makenna. I have not missed much of her life. She doesn't know that I don't remember her." I said defensively.

Sturgill whined again. "Hey, I brought you out here because I thought you wouldn't talk back to me." I said in a teasing manner. Maybe I really was crazy, talking to my dog, and actually believing he was responding back. "I honestly don't know what to do bud." The tears fell again, and this time, I did not fight them, I just let them flow. Sturgill laid his head on my lap, and I truly believed that he was trying to comfort me, so I buried my head in the soft fur of his neck and cried like a baby. I could feel the wetness from my tears soaking into his fur, but they wouldn't let up.

I don't know how long we sat out there, but it had turned dark. It was colder, much colder than it had been when we got here, but before anything else could register in my head, I was hit with a memory. I said I never cried, but in this memory, I was crying. I was in my living room, Sturgill had his head in my lap, much like he did now. I was drinking. There was a half full whiskey glass in my hand. I was jolted back to reality as I remembered hurling the whiskey glass at the wall. Something bad had happened, and I had a feeling it had to do with Olivia. I felt it down in my soul. But what? I had no clue, I just knew it was something devastating.

It was time to go home. My little escape to solitude had done absolutely nothing to clear my mind. I was as confused as ever, but I had a memory. It left me with a lot of questions, and I needed to know the answers.

Sturgill and I drove home in silence, the only sound was the heater going full blast through the vents in my truck, but I still felt chilled to the bone. The porch light was on. Olivia must have turned it on when it got dark and I did not come home. All the other lights in the house were off except for a lamp in the living room. She must have gone to bed already.

I turned off the lamp, and quietly entered the bedroom. The first thing I noticed was she was not in bed. The second thing I noticed was the closet door was open, and several items were missing. A wave of panic washed over me. She had left. Not that I could blame her, but it forced me to realize I didn't really want her to go.

Had her car been in the driveway? I was almost certain it had been, but I couldn't be entirely sure. I peeked into Makenna's room. Our daughter was sound asleep in her crib. I breathed a sigh of relief. No way would Olivia had left without Makenna. I walked to the guest bedroom and softly opened the door. She was asleep in the bed. I was tempted to wake her. I had questions weighing on my mind, but decided to let her sleep. I knew she needed her rest. She was obviously upset enough to move out of our bedroom, yet still cared enough to stick around. That had to count for something.

It could wait until morning because I still had no idea what to even say to her.

I climbed into bed, but sleep eluded me. My mind was racing a million miles an hour. What was that memory? What was my mind trying to tell me?

I tossed and turned restlessly. I was exhausted, but I could not fall asleep. I was hyper aware of the empty spot in the bed next to me. Just over the last few days, I had not only gotten used to, but I enjoyed having her here with me. The emptiness was overwhelming. I was missing holding her. The feeling of her warm body against me. The sweet scent of her hair and skin. She may have not been here physically, but her presence remained. It was unnerving because my arms ached without her in them. Was it love I was feeling or was it just loneliness?

I shut my eyes, willing myself to go to sleep, and just when I thought I was on the verge of actually drifting off, I was jolted by another memory. Or was it a dream? I couldn't be sure. Had I actually fallen asleep and dreamed it or was it a real memory?

Olivia and I were in the hospital, only this time, she was lying in the bed and I was at her side. My first thought was it was when Makenna had been born, but no, that could not be it. We were both crying, and these were not happy tears. We were clearly distraught. Was this connected to my earlier memory? What the hell was going on? Was it a dream or reality? Should I wake her and try to get answers or wait until morning? Why the hell could I not remember?