Blink Of An Eye

Chapter 22

I willed myself not to cry as I stared at the pregnancy test in my hand blaring the words "NOT PREGNANT" before my eyes. A similar one just showing a negative sign sat inches away on the counter.

It had been three months since that first night Ryan and I made love and his memory returned. Three amazing months, with plenty of opportunities to get pregnant. I was late. I'm never late, and I thought for certain I was pregnant. One negative test dimmed my hopes, but I took a second one to be sure. Waste of a test as I got the same result. I know I needed to focus on the positive, such as the fact that I had my husband back, but instead all I could think about was what was missing. It made me feel selfish to be honest. I am not in any way ungrateful for what I have, but I really was hoping I was pregnant.

Maybe I was crazy. Makenna was only nine months old. We had plenty of time to work on growing our family, but I couldn't get the miscarriage out of my head. What if something was wrong with me? Trying to shake those thoughts out of my head, I tossed the tests into the trash, hoping to toss out the negative thoughts just as easily and effectively. I was probably overthinking this. It has only been three months.

As expected, it was a joyous occasion when we announced to our families and friends that Ryan's memory had returned in full. We were still celebrating. So much good was happening. He was keeping all of his appointments and his progress was astounding to say the least. His doctors were astonished to see how far he had come in such a short time. His motor skills and reflexes were almost back to where they were before the accident and he was ahead of every timeline they had predicted.

He was working hard to get back to racing. Was I terrified? Hell yes. I would be lying if I said I wasn't, but that's human nature. I knew what I was getting into when we first began seeing each other. He had racing in his blood. He was a racer, and no way would I let my fears hold me or him back. This was as much his life as Makenna and I were.

Following Ryan's accident, NASCAR had spent all of this time reviewing crash data, tearing his car apart and going over it with a fine tooth comb. They were working on increasing safety innovations and possibly changes to the existing rules package for super speedway races. I prayed no one would have to go through what we went through ever again. I also knew that whatever changes NASCAR did make, I would never be so naive again. Call it innocence lost, or whatever you will, but racing is dangerous.

I left the bathroom, shutting the door, and hopefully my worries and disappointment over the tests in the wastebasket. Focus forward.

I slipped back into bed as quietly as I could next to Ryan. Makenna had begun sleeping a little later in the mornings, therefore, Ryan and I usually slept in later, well, except for this morning.

"Mmmm. There you are." He murmured sleepily, and wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. I debated telling him about the negative tests, but before I could do so, he had fallen back asleep. It was probably just as well. I wasn't ready to talk about it yet anyway.

*******

About an hour after I got back in bed, Makenna woke up. I went to get her since I had never fallen back asleep. I nearly flipped out when I saw her standing in her crib holding on to the rails. Should she be pulling herself up already? She just started crawling last month. Before I know it, she's going to be walking. Hell, if she's anything like her father, she'll skip walking and go straight to running. Running is faster than walking. It's all about speed with Blaney's. Please don't let her want to drive race cars. Can time slow down just a little?

"Shit! She's standing up. She's not supposed to be doing that."

I couldn't control my laughter. Ryan was standing in the doorway, mouth agape. After my earlier disappointment, it felt good to laugh.

"Whether she's supposed to or not, she's doing it anyway. You know what that means?" I raised my eyebrows.

"More baby proofing." He gave a good natured sigh.

Yes indeed. After Makenna had started crawling, we had taken care of covering all outlets, we had put a gate up at the staircase, one around the fireplace, and another gate with a doggie door to close off the kitchen after catching her in Sturgill's dog food bowl. Cabinets and drawers were secured. Lots and lots of things were secured, but now I thought about the sharp corners and edges of the coffee table and end tables. How do you baby proof those? Do they make bumpers or something to go around the edges, or do we just put all of them in storage? Do we even really need them? The couch does have a console with a cup holder and storage. How much longer before she figured out the doggie door? Plus, if she was standing, how much longer before she figured out how to unlatch the gates?

"We got our work cut out for us pops. You better get busy." I laughed.

Maybe it was too soon for another baby. We should probably get this one figured out first.

*******

After several hours, two trips to Target and one to the hardware store, Ryan and I collapsed onto the couch with a weary sigh. A new gate was installed to close off the area where my desk was located. The coffee table and two end tables were moved to the garage, and a new, taller gate with an electronically activated doggie door had been ordered. The cabinet in the living room was now secured to the wall. We had also picked up a soft, upholstered ottoman with built in storage to replace one of the tables. We probably forgot about a lot of things, but everything we could see as a danger, we took care of. We followed the checklist I pulled up on Google, but Makenna was a very curious baby.

I had just taken a sip of my iced coffee, but almost spit it out when Ryan asked softly, "Why didn't you tell me you took a pregnancy test?"

I sighed. "You saw that huh?"

"Well yeah. It was sitting right there at the top of the wastebasket. It's not like I had to dig to find it. You should have said something."

I sighed again. "Nothing to say. It was negative. Both of them were. I was going to tell you when I went back to bed this morning, but you had already fallen asleep, and I guess we just got busy, I put it out of my mind. I'm sorry. I should have said something. I wasn't trying to hide it."

"I know you weren't trying to hide it, otherwise you wouldn't have left it sitting right there on top. I just didn't know you even suspected you were pregnant."

"I'm a couple of days late, which is not normal for me. I didn't want to say anything until I took the test. I was hoping I was pregnant, but...we'll just have to try again." I said, feeling the tears I held back earlier burning in my eyes.

"I'm all for trying." He flashed me a grin, but he looked disappointed as well.

"After all that baby proofing, are you sure we are ready for another one?" I joked, obviously trying to lighten the moment.

"Absolutely. Everything is baby proofed already. Perfect time for another."

This time, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. "What if there is something wrong Ry? I've had two miscarriages."

He wiped the tears off of my face with his thumb. "We also have a perfect, healthy daughter. Remember it took us over a year to get pregnant with her. It's only been three months Livvy. Don't stress yourself out over this. It's going to happen. I have faith. We just keep trying, which is the best part. Or we keep not trying, which seems the most successful for us."

"I love you." I pressed my lips to his, hoping he was right.

"I love you too. I think now might be a good time to not try while our daughter is napping." As soon as he flashed that grin at me, my panties literally melted. 

Let's not try.