Blink Of An Eye

Chapter 17

I hummed contentedly to myself as I prepared lunch on Sunday. I could hear Makenna laughing from the living room as Ryan laid on the floor playing with her.

The last couple of days had been really good. We didn't have any more moments like the one that Makenna had interrupted, but we had gotten closer. That night she ran fever, Ryan insisted on having her in the bed with us. He was a little freaked out, and I thought it was really sweet and adorable. There was more talking, more touching, but although I was a little disappointed we didn't pick up where we left off, we were in a good spot. Little memories here and there were beginning to surface more and more, and I felt certain he was going to have a big breakthrough soon.

"Livvy...pre-race is starting." Ryan called out to me from the living room.

I slid the dish of chicken breasts into the oven and set the timer, then washed and dried my hands. When I stepped into the living room, I froze on the spot. From where I was standing, I could see the TV. They were showing a replay of the accident. Shit. Carly had warned me, and I completely forgot to tell him. I looked at him, and his face was white as a sheet as he stared at the screen. I don't even think he blinked.

"Ry...are you...I'm sorry. I should have warned you..."

"I..uh. I'm gonna go lay down. I'm not feeling so good." He stammered, then walked into the bedroom.

I had to talk to him before he shut down. I knew that look on his face. I had seen it before. He was scared. I had seen it when we had the first miscarriage. I had seen it again when he woke up from the coma. However, I had never seen fear quite like this.

I put Makenna in her playpen and went after him. I found him sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. He was shaking. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to hold him, but I wasn't sure how he would react.

"I'm so sorry Ryan. I should have warned you that they were showing replays of the accident."

He finally looked up at me, his expression pained. "It's not your fault Livvy. I knew I couldn't avoid it forever. How am I even still here? How did I survive that?"

It was hard hearing those words from him. He was right, he couldn't avoid it forever. "Some say it's a testament to the safety of the cars. Others may take a different approach and say it just wasn't your time. It really doesn't matter how, just as long as you are here. You did survive."

"But I'm not the same man I was. I lost so much." He said, his voice cracking.

"You are still Ryan Michael Blaney. You are still my husband. That's never going to change. You have me, and you have Makenna. You may not remember a lot of things, but I do." I just hoped Makenna and I were enough.

"What if I never get back in a race car again?" His voice broke again, and my heart was torn. Maybe we weren't enough.

"Then you don't." I replied, not caring whether or not it was the right thing to say.

"Would that make you happy if I didn't?" He asked, challenging me with his eyes.

I thought carefully about what to say. "No it wouldn't. As terrified as I am even thinking about it, I knew what I signed up for when we got involved. I knew the risks, the dangers, but I did it anyway. I would support you no matter what. Whether you race again or not, I will always have your back."

"Because you love me?" His eyes softened.

I nodded. "Because I love you."

I heard the oven timer go off, but I didn't care. This was way more important.