day by day

fresh start

i am miserable
i am drained
i am exhausted beyond words
i'm done.
not only have i pushed almost everyone away,
but to the ones that stuck around,
i'm the most horrible person to be friends with.
i'm leaving.
i'm abandoning everything i know.
everyone i love.
yes i'm excited,
i'm also nervous and scared
but those are completely normal things.
what's not normal,
is when everyone who knows and loves you,
knows you're miserable with where you are in your life,
but as soon as you try to better yourself and make a change,
they make you feel like a monster for leaving.
"what about me"
what about you?
seriously.
what about you.
first off. how the hell is that my problem?
i am fixing me.
i am responsible for me
not you
how you feel is not my problem.
i made it my problem once because i was blinded by who i thought you were.
but i stopped doing it the second you gave us up.
i can't care about you.
so fuck your "what about me"
this is about me.
"i'll miss you"
no you'll miss the convenience of me
you'll miss knowing that i'm here
willing to give my all at your beckon call
but you won't miss me
because that's not who i'll be anymore.
that's a goddamn promise.
"you're leaving me"
no. i'm leaving my misery and my shitty mental health in this hell hole they call a town.
i'm leaving my trauma and my whole goddamn heart here.
i'm leaving who i am to go build a new me.
to build a life for myself
and i'm sorry you aren't there yet
or you don't know how to get there
but that's not my fucking problem. 
i have to look out for me
i have to build a new life from the ground up.
i have no time to wonder "what about you" or "what will you do"
because i have to think what about me.
what will i do.
i need this.
i fucking deserve this.
i will not let you guilt me into staying.
and i will not let you jeopardize my future. 
i'm sorry if you're unhappy with your life but i know damn well i am going to work my ass off until i'm happy with mine.
and that requires a fresh start.
far away from you and all your games.