day by day

feelings

theres no exact word for how I feel about you.

or what you make me feel.

theres no logical reason as to how someone can be so hopelessly addicted to another human being.

so in love that they lose themselves in this persons existence alone.

so infatuated by everything they do and say that you just want to be with them 24/7.

that you want to know they're thinking of you as much as you're thinking of them.

and you let yourself feel all of these things.

and you let yourself fall for him,

even though every part of you knows he doesn't feel the same way.

you fall.

hard.

and at first it seems like he caught you,

like all of a sudden you're falling together.

and he's feeling everything you are.

but then he lets you go,

and you don't even notice,

and you fall hard onto the pavement,

and your heart shatters into a million little pieces.

as you stumble to your feet you look around for him, and hes nowhere to be found.

because none of it was real.

every "I love you" wasn't just to you.

every "I miss you" wasn't singled out to only you.

everytime he made you feel special he was saying the exact same thing to at least three other girls.

and everytime he asked you to stay up later so he could keep talking to you, was because the rest of them weren't snapping him back fast enough.

and everytime he took a long time to reply even though he was active, he was snapping them because you weren't a priority, and she was-they were.

everytime you cave and let him in and let him love you back to life, you're just stroking his ego.

feeding into his weird need to be loved.

but you fall for him-and for it- everytime, because he makes you feel valid and cared for, seen.

and everytime you fall, you lose an important part of yourself.

because you just give him what he wants.

everytime.

that's why he comes back, because he knows you're vulnerable, and he knows exactly how to play you.

and you let him.

maybe because you love him, or maybe its because you love feeling something for once.

who knows why you let him do it.

all that matters is that you do.

and I'll let you in on a little secret,

he does not love you.

and it's not because you aren't good enough.

and its not because shes better.

its because he is not enough.

he is not good enough for you.

and he knows it.

and insecurity makes a coward out of everyone.

and its so much easier to run, or to let go and watch you fall, then it is to try, to try and be what you deserve. because it is so much easier to settle then to face a challenge head on.

because darling. if he really truly loved you, he wouldn't back down from the challenge.

because you would be worth the risk of losing.

you would be worth every second of fighting to become a man who deserves your love.

but he chooses not to.

he chooses the easy way out.

he chooses the girls who don't have the ability to love him the way you can.

because the way you love him scares him, mostly because he knows its what he deserves but believes you deserve better.

so you let him love you back to life while he wants to, and when he finds someone easier to love, he will choose her.

everytime.

and you wait, with every piece of your shattered heart resting in your hands, you wait for her to hurt him so he will come running back to you, and when he does-and he will, everytime- you will get to love him back to life, the way he deserves to be loved.

and when he gets scared again, he'll choose her.

it is a vicious cycle and the only way out is to leave him,

but that is something you will never do, and he knows it.

he knows you'll never leave, no matter how many times he destroys you,

somehow that's what fuels him.

like some sick high he gets off hurting you.

because-and I really cannot stress this enough- you let him.

you tell yourself its because you want to see him happy, but you know deep down she can make him happier.

and he thinks that too.

but she never does.

and after all this time he still wont pick you.

the one who stays by his side through every shitty position he puts you in, and through every storm he creates.

you stand by him even when he breaks you down to nothing.

even when you have to rebuild yourself over and over just to maybe eventually be exactly what he wants.

except that no matter how hard you try, and how perfect you may be, even if you are literally everything he could possibly want in human form, insecurity makes fucking cowards out of everyone.

but nothing can break the love you have for him.

not even time.

and you know because you've tried, you left him once in hopes of losing everything you feel for him, in hopes to destroy every memory you had, every inside joke, every touch, look, exchange of words.

but you couldn't breathe without him.

so you ran back.

and you begged him to take you back.

to love you again.

to reflate your lungs with oxygen.

he brought you back to life.

and he keeps you alive everyday.

but please don't convince yourself that you need him for you to survive, because you do not.

you can survive on your own but he makes it easier.

its like being sick, you will survive without medicine, but it makes it easier for your body to make you better faster.

you are my medicine.

you bring me back to life.

I can survive without you but I don't want to ever have to.