The World That Was Mine (Part I & II)

XVI

The heart is the stupidest muscle. It blinds you, and takes away all rationality. The heart beats solely for the purpose of the next person to break it. It slams against your ribcage, desperately looking for love that isn't there. That's why people like me keep their hearts in cages. We seal them off, and keep them from their search for something or someone to love them. It's a survival tactic in my eyes. It's the reason I haven't gone completely mad in this world of heartbreak. But what happens when your heart breaks inside that cage of safety?

It then becomes shattered pieces that cut you like glass, as if it's punishing you for ever trying to keep it at bay. My heart was not yet shattered, but that may not be for long. I have managed to keep that stupid muscle in tact, but it is only a matter of time until I cannot do that. So, I have to do something to keep what is left of my heart. I have to lock it off, keep it so tightly away from everyone else that they'll never get the chance to break it. I have to shut myself off, from everything I could have ever hoped to love.

The silence in the car wasn't suffocating. It wasn't tense or awkward. It just happened. It was like most things in this world. An outcome of circumstance. Finn was staring out the window, watching trees go by. Logan was asleep in the passenger, having dozed off only an hour into our trip. Tyler was driving and glancing nervously at me in the rear view mirror. I had occupied myself with my own thoughts as always.

I remember Marley once telling me that it amazed her how much I could think. It was after she had explained to me why my Mom was acting so weird. The drugs had just recently become a common occurrence and at six years old, I didn't understand. Marley, who had been my neighbor at the time, had explained to me what they were and what they did to a person. I realized now how much information she spared me, and having been only 12 herself, I imagine she didn't know so much then either. Marley had similar problems to me. She had lived with her mom, who was also an addict, and deemed herself the authority on all things drug related.

She had taught me all she knew about living with an addict, and even at 16 when she moved into an apartment down the street, she would always come and help when I called. Sometimes at three in the morning, she would heroically come through the door, and save me from the monsters. It became our dynamic in passing years. She was the hero and I was the sidekick. Until the hero fell, and the sidekick was left to pick up the pieces. The car screeched to a stop at a gas station, making me lurch forward slightly.

"I'm gonna run in and get some food. Want anything?" Tyler asked, turning around in his seat. I shook my head and he frowned. "You didn't finish lunch so you're gonna eat something." He said, giving me a nononses look. "Is there something in particular you would like to?" I sighed and shrugged, not in the mood to talk. Tyler nodded and listened to whatever Finn was saying before walking away. It was silent again, other than Logans soft snoring. I wanted it to stay that way, but I should have known it wouldn't.

"She isn't a bad person." Finley said. He is looking out the window, like he was embarrassed for her. "Look, she was just doing what we all do. Trying to fit in. And I'm not saying at all that what she did was right, but Emma isn't a bad person." I didn't respond, not for lack of words but lack of confidence that they were the right words. I wanted to scream that she was a bad person and he was wrong, but I kept my lips sealed and my eyes trained on the woman smoking outside the gas station. I wondered if she was waiting for someone inside, or if she was all on her own wherever she may be heading. "I know you didn't grow up with, and god we wish you did, but in our house family is the most important thing in the world."