Unlikely ✓

Twenty: Snowy Cabin

POV: Zen Teller

I was cold.

I didn't think this would happen again.  I thought that I would get over the day and everything it seemed to bring and stop dwelling on it.

The cabin was only getting colder as the sun had set hours ago.  I got off the floor, my legs wobbling as I stood growing used to the dizzy feeling my head had from standing too quickly.

Outside was nothing but snow and trees.  The cold powder was starting to fall at an alarming rate yet there was something about it that gave some kind of eerie comfort to it.

As I relit the fire in the one-room cabin I had to chuckle to myself.  Digging myself into a bigger bit of self-pity and hatred.

My family thought that moving away from everything would help me not do this again.  They thought because I would be away from the place where so many memories were that those painful memories would be left there.

They weren't.

They stayed and clung to every insecurity.

As I thought about how shitty things were when I got like this, I paid little mind to the fire I was trying to light.  I misjudged and ended up burning my finger in the process.

"Fucking shit!"  I pulled my hand back,  looking over my finger the best I could given the lighting.

Apparently, I was still a bit high from last night.  In all honesty, I was kinda surprised I woke up at this point and it made me question myself because it wasn't a matter of not wanting to wake up, it was just not wanting to wake up to this.

For what reason I thought it would be a great idea to steal the keys to the cabin Davis' friend owns and drive up to the place I've only had minimal directions to.

I found it after half a day.  In theory, it would be nice just to come out here where no one else could see how fucking pathetic I was being.  To just sit and be cold for a while.

It didn't help.

Outside the view of the snow falling across the trees as the moon grew more bright made me realize why Davis came out here for his photography nature shots.

I turned away from the window and pulled a blanket that smelled like smoke off the couch and wrapped it around me as I took a seat on the floor in front of the fire.

As much as I knew I was being a selfish prick by not telling anyone where I was going I was also hoping they wouldn't find me like this again.

Part of me wished Nathan was here the comforting scent of lavender surrounding him as he talked about something he was passionate about like when he tries to explain the plot to his favorite show and his eyes light up and no matter how hard he tries he can't help but smile at how happy that show makes him even if he can't put it to words.

Then the other part of me was glad he wasn't.  There was no way I wanted him seeing me like this ever.  It was bad enough Mock and Dusk had to deal with this, Nathan didn't need to as well.

He deserved better and I knew it.  It was like waiting for the day that he finally realized it too.

I wanted to scream at how stupid I was being.

I was making things worse for myself yet at the same time, everything just kept coming to mind at how awful I was.

So my mom left me and my family with no explanation other than us being too much for her to deal with, so what?

I watched the fire still not closing the small door to the wood stove, trying to get all the heat back into the cabin.  As I watched the flames I thought about when I was nine, three years before my mom left us... left me.