A Marauder's Guide to Falling Forever

Chapter Forty Eight

Sirius

Even before his eyes fell to the house the unmistakable omen hovered above, illuminating the dark sky in a hazy shade of green.

The mark of death.

He heard the whistling of the wind whip past him as his body moved faster than he had ever moved, the sound of his own blood rippling through his veins and his heart pulsating so fiercely it might rip from his ribcage. The only other thing that existed was the darkness and the disconcerting silence as he entered the home.

Broken things scattered the house. Scorch marks from blasted curses were like paintings on the wall. The faint smell of something burning still wafting in parts of the foyer as he moved through the house in search.

"MARLENE!?" he yelled out, not caring if a threat still lingered in the home. His wand withdrawn in front of him, eyes sharp and focused, he continued moving through the wreckage.

Nothing on the main floor.

He moved to the staircase.

Each step up the stairs felt like one hundred years passing, and yet it took only mere seconds after pushing open the bedroom door for his entire world to come crashing down.

Dead.

Unmistakably dead.

He woke again to the agonizing nightmare drenched in sweat and tears. Sirius fumbled with shaky, adrenaline fueled fingers for his wand on the floor beside him and choked out, "Lumos."

The tip of his wand illuminated the small confines of the Potter's den where Sirius had been sleeping for the past two months. Ever since the night he had arrived home to discover Marlene's lifeless, beaten body he hadn't properly slept. He flipped over in the small cot onto his stomach and buried his face into the pillow, letting out an aggravated cry. He didn't worry about waking anyone; he had long ago learned to cast a silencing charm over the room at night. Even the sleeping draughts Lily had brewed for him didn't suppress the nightmares.

Angry, he took his fist and brought it down into the mattress beside his head. The spring coils of the mattress squealed in protest to the unnatural aggression and abuse. But Sirius didn't care about anyone or anything. And that was exactly why he had locked himself away in the Potters cottage, where he didn't have to worry about the pitiful looks and meaningless offers of condolences. Where he would be left alone to grieve because James and Lily knew better than to coddle him or hover. He left them to grieve together, and they left him to grieve alone. Just the way he wanted.

Sirius's emotions were without control. He would go from crying, unable to get out of bed, asking for his memory to be obliviated to destroying things and blasting curses at the wall all within minutes of one another. His unpredictable mood swings were like a light switch flicking on and off at unrelenting intervals. But one emotion that never turned off was the guilt.

It consumed him every second of his waking moments and then well into the night. Life had become one cruel joke, his own perpetual hell. What agonized him most, even more than being the one to discover her body, a haunting image he would never be able to erase, was the fact that he knew she had died because of him. He had failed to protect her, knowing full well that she would be a target for finding the Potters just as much as he was.

He should have never let her leave alone.

"I'm so fucking stupid," he screamed into the pillow. "How could I have been so stupid. I'm so sorry Marlene." And when the aggression ebbed away the depression took over once again and Sirius cried with guilt, and sorrow, and regret for the things he could not change.