What I Miss About You

Once Upon a Time - Natalie

Fall, New York City, 2010

I missed the 8:52 train again this morning.

There's no thrill to it anymore, no sense of fun or adventure. Just a heavy cloak of self-deprecation and annoyance. I sat down on a bench, tense and stressed, waiting for the next train  to pull in. When it did eight minutes later, I got up to hurriedly board. This delay was going to make me ten minutes late but maybe that was a good thing. Being ten minutes late would mean I would miss the huddle...a small staff meeting where we discussed our agenda for the day. The huddle had been a staple of our small magazine from its modest roots before it had caught fire and taken off nearly a year ago.

He would be there with her. And everyone would be looking at us, the unholy trinity, the triangle from hell, even though we were hardly news anymore. I hated drama. I had always tried to avoid it and mostly succeeded. Until he entered my life. Everyone from my college friends to former roommates had always said it was a bad idea to date someone you work with. It was awkward when you were no longer together. Well, I had committed the unforgivable sin of falling in love with my co-worker and living with him for two years. With my history I should have known I could never make a relationship work, particularly with someone as smart and articulate as Ben... not with my demons.

Maybe I should just quit. Find another magazine or newspaper to write for. But it was such a candy job and I was so good at it. And it was the one constant in my life, the one source of satisfaction after all the tumult and uncertainty of my life up until now. Disculture was my life's blood.

I sighed as the train pulled into my stop sooner than I would have liked. I mounted the stairs to ground level at a slower pace than usual, remembering how we used to race each other. An all too familiar pang in my heart made me stop and catch my breath. I gripped the stair rail tightly while crowds of people swarmed around me like water around a stone in a fast moving river. I took a deep breath and tried to remember the words of my therapist.

Five things you can see: the steps, the rail, the train moving on, the boy on a skateboard, the newspaper stand.

Four things you can feel: the cold metal rail in my hands, the warm air blown back by the swift train, the softness of my merino wool scarf, and...I moved my hand to the pocket of my coat...the chain of the locket I no longer wore.

Three things you can hear: the staccato of footsteps, the mother scolding her child, the horn of the oncoming train.

Two things you can smell: car exhaust from above, marijuana from the bespectacled hipster who just brushed past me

One thing you can taste: I slipped a piece of Blackjack gum in my mouth and let the licorice flavor coat my tongue.

There. It was better now. The memory was gone for the time being. My heart pounded as I crossed the street to our building. I pushed through the double doors and sprinted to the bank of elevators, keeping my eyes on the ground. It was a slim chance I'd run into him down here; he was more than likely already up on the twenty-fourth floor, huddle over, and discussing the days news with Addison Grey, the editor-in-chief of our satirical and often irreverent magazine. 

I sighed with relief to have the elevator all to myself for once. I hit the button for the twenty-third floor and slowly began peeling my gloves off. By the time the doors slid open to our busy beehive of an office, I had shed my scarf and coat as well. I walked rapidly to my desk at the center of the hub of activity, offering vague smiles and nods of greeting to those who spoke to me. I kept my eyes focused on my desk, unwilling to inadvertently catch sight of him or, God forbid, Shane.

I sat down and woke up my laptop, clicking on my emails. My goal today was to get as much work done as possible, keep my head down, and avoid people as much as possible. It was such a foolish ambition. No one left anyone alone in this office, not even awkward, unsociable me. And after the rumors of our relationship crumbling and his affair with Shane, I had unfortunately become more interesting than usual.