The one he never claimed. (Complete)

14.

"You left me no choice, how can you put me in such a position?" I remove the phone from my ear as he continues to shout.

"That was really stupid, don't you care at all about anyone but yourself? I would never put you in such a position Alex." He says for the umpteenth time now. I'm exhausted.

"I'm sorry," I say to him. I need him to stop so I'll say anything.

I've been on the phone surely for more than 30 minutes now just listening to him tell him how stupid what I did last night at Ashley's party was. He says that I should've known he was going to do that because my actions were uncalled for. This comes after he'd been ignoring my calls the whole of last night and today.

I came back home and I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. When I left Ashley's party, I was a laughing stock. People called me pathetic and desperate, all because yet again - he refused me. And somehow I'm the one who needs to apologize.

"Do you think saying you're sorry is gonna change anything?"
No, but I was hoping it would make you stop. My ears hurt.

"What do you want me to say?" I really just want to sleep. I don't care about any of this anymore. I don't care that he's probably dating her or that he would rather the world think he's with her than with me. I don't care that he didn't answer any of my calls but he answered hers on the first ring.

"I just want you to acknowledge the stupidity of your actions. What if someone had recorded you Alex?!"
I don't make effort to answer that because I know it's rhetorical. But that doesn't stop him from,

"Oh now you're deaf?"
I genuinely don't know what he wants from me. I feel like a kid being yelled at by their parent.

I still choose to keep quiet and let him continue on his rant, clearly he needs it.

I don't even get why he's mad. I'm the one who got humiliated in front of a bunch of people I thought were my friends. I guess the good that came out of that is I know the kind of people I'd kept in my life.

That of course doesn't include Liz and Ashley as they'd been blowing up my phone with calls and messages checking if I'm ok. I'm not. I haven't been in for a while.

I'm too caught up in my own mental rant that I don't realize he'd hung up on me, I wish I could say that's new.

I get off my bed after putting my phone on the charger to go to the kitchen. I'm thirsty and I need to walk a bit to recharge. I feel like I'd been sitting listening to him yell at me for hours.

My trip to go get myself a glass of water isn't long and I'm soon back on my bed staring at nothing.

Am I crazy to want the love of my life to want to show me off just like I want to show him off so bad? Is it crazy that all the bad he's done to me doesn't at all change the love I have for him?

He says if I love him I'll understand but if he loves me wouldn't he want to make me happy? Wouldn't he just stop doing the one thing he knows prohibits our growth as a couple?

It makes no sense to me, and that's why I'm forced to think of the worst. The things I would've never thought about before. Like him possibly not only cheating, but maybe being in love with someone else. That would make more sense why he'd want to ruin so many years of our love.

I know for a fact that he did love me. Not just because he'd said it but I always felt it. By the way he'd looked at me and the way he would treat me. So that was never something I ever questioned. But love does change, doesn't it?

Maybe he's right though. I guess being public would mean having paparazzi on my doorstep and constant bullying from his many internet wives.

I slide my hand under the pillow next to me to retrieve my blade after a while of just sitting. The reason it's there is because dad almost caught me the other day. He wouldn't understand, no one would. The pain I feel has so far only been able to be healed by it.