The one he never claimed. (Complete)

17.

I haven't really grasped the repercussions of my actions if I'm being honest. I did something only putting my own feelings in mind, not at all thinking about the people around me. I don't want to even imagine what they would've gone through had I been successful in my attempt.

Dad doesn't talk much, he comes to the ward a few times a week to bring me stuff. I hate hospital food so he always makes sure to bring me my favorite meals as I still lay in the hospital.

He kisses me on the forehead and tells me he loves me always. This was never something he did before. Dad is not a very affectionate person so I'd rarely heard him uttering those words to me growing up. But never did I ever doubt he'd felt them for me.

Hearing him all of sudden saying the three-worded sentence kind of breaks my heart a little. Because it means he thinks I'd never known it or believed it.

The hurt in his eyes is unmissable every time he walks in. We don't talk about what happened but I know he thinks about it as much as I do. I see him try really hard to put a smile on his face when he sees me, he's hurting. A lot.

I know he blames himself for my actions and that breaks my heart even more. He thinks he failed me, he's done the opposite of that. He thinks that he could've done something to stop it, but he couldn't have. This was beyond preventative. I don't think anyone would've succeeded in bringing me back to my 'happy self', I'd been drowning for too long that I'd sunk beyond reach.

It was like leaving your laundry undone for years and expecting it to be clean. Impossible.

I wish he knew how sorry I am for the pain that I've caused him. I wish he knew how much I appreciate him and all that he's done for me.

When mom died, dad stepped up. He wasn't necessarily an absentee father before, he just worked a lot... to provide for us of course, I'd always appreciated his hard work. But when mom died, he requested a demotion at work just so he could be at home more.

I know he was hurting too, mom was the love of his life. But he'd remained strong for the both of us. When I was falling apart, he'd made sure to be strong so that I found my healing. He barely mourned his late wife because he needed me to be ok first.

There's not a day I'm not thankful for having a father like him and I wish he knew. Seeing him so sad makes me feel really crappy about my selfish act. It makes me think that I should've sought help when I started feeling the void in my heart. I shouldn't have remained strong, because sometimes being strong is being weak. When being strong means not seeking help when you need it then you're the opposite of that.

And Liz?

I've never known her to be so speechless in all my years of knowing her. She always has something to say no matter what. Good or bad.

But as I sit looking right at her as she looks anywhere but at me, I know she's hurting too. We've been sitting and barely talking. She doesn't know what to say to me.

"Say something." I say to her after a while.

She continues letting her eyes wander around the lounge area we're sitting in but not once does she let them land on me.

"Liz." I now take her hand with two of mine. They're cold, and I feel her shake. My holding her must've triggered something because I see her tears starting to come out.

I've never in my life seen her cry.

"Why?" Is all she manages to say. Her voice is barely audible.

"I just - I don't know." I say remembering she still doesn't know about Ezra.

"Is it about Olivia?"
Not at all. I even forgot about her and what happened the other night.

"No. It's complicated."
It really is.

"But talk to me. I'm your friend Alex, is it about Ezra?" I pray my face remains the same at the mention of his name. But I guess it doesn't because,

"It is isn't it?"

"No, it's not." I lie. I still can't afford her knowing. This lie has gone along too long to only now tell the truth.

"Alex, stop it! I know, I've known for a while."
What?

My voice seems to be stuck because nothing comes out when I try to say something.

"I've been suspecting for a while. But when you finally admitted at the party, I knew it was the truth. I could see it in your eyes."

I don't even know what to say to that. I never really thought much about Liz finally finding out. I guess I'd imagined she'd be beyond livid and disappointed. I would've preferred that over what she looks like right now.

Liz is an overall cheery person. She's the life of the party and the person you go to for a good time. She doesn't do mellow and sad tears, I now know why. I want more than anything to make her smile right now, to get her back to who and how she is. The Liz everyone knows and loves.

"Liz I -..."
I still am not able to say anything at the revelation. She seems to sense my struggle because,

"It's ok Alex, I'm not mad. I just really wish you would've come to talk to me. Please promise me you'll drop him?"

I can't do that.

"I can't." I say what's on my mind. Her expression is shocked a bit by that but it goes back to being soft soon after.

"Alex..."
Her tears make a minor return making my heart hurt.

Seeing Liz like this is something I realize I don't ever want to experience again. I'm deciding I prefer the cheery and perky Liz.

I hate seeing the people in my life hurting, especially because of my actions. If loving Ezra pains them so much, then I'm not sure if it's worth it. Especially since it's no longer reciprocated.

So I look at my crying best friend to say,

"I'm going to let him go. I promise." I finally make that decision.

It's not going to be easy, but I'll make it through.

I love him, a lot. But I need to love myself a little more to stop losing myself because of him.

She doesn't say anything. She instead comes close to me to give me the biggest embrace only she's ever been able to give me.

"I'm so sorry I didn't realize sooner." She says breaking my heart further. How can she blame herself for this? I am a literal monster.

"No Liz stop." I say unable to stop the tears that come out of my eyes.

"No it's true. You were struggling for god knows how long and I didn't realize. What kind of a friend am I?"
She continues to blame herself.

"I was in a relationship for years without your knowledge. I'm the bad friend." We're both a wet crying mess at this point.

"Years?" She asks and I realize even though she now knows the truth, she doesn't know the entirety of it. So,

"Yea, we met in Saturday school back in high school." I can't bear the secrets anymore. I can feel the weight being lifted off as I tell her the truth.

Her face shows the shocked expression again before it goes back to being soft again.

"Yea. Years" I say answering her question.

"He was great for a while, before the fame." I continue. I can still see that my revelation shocks her even though she tries really hard to hide it.

"I guess the rest doesn't really matter. But I want you to know how sorry I am Liz." I then say as she nods her head in understanding.

I know the only reason she's being so calm with me is because of my attempt. I see it in everyone who talks to me. They treat me like a glass that'll break if you touch it too rough. I guess I don't really blame them, that's what happens when you try to commit suicide.

Liz and I stay in our embrace for what feels like forever with our tears still coming out and all.

I still have a lot of problems that I need to deal with, but right now I'm happy that I've opened up to my best friend. I didn't know how much I needed this until now.