This Can't Be Good

Chapter 33

The boys’ last game before the championship was tonight. They had been at school for the last couple hours practicing. I was supposed to be there but after last night, I texted Coach saying I wasn’t feeling well but I’d be there tonight for sure. He wasn’t too happy about it but he would have to deal with it.

After Parker slammed the door to his room last night I decided it was best if I stayed away from him for a while. I didn’t want to distract him from the game tonight. Besides, I was in no shape to talk to him. I spent the whole night crying alone in my dark room. I guess there was no one to blame for that but myself.

Max kept texting me throughout the practice asking me what was going on but I just played it off. Apparently, after Parker got home last night he left to go back to Max’s house. Meaning Max knew that we were fighting and I didn’t need to deal with that.

Miranda had left with Jayden, and Cass and them were all out running errands which meant I was alone at least for now. Being in my room alone was not helping matters at all. I decided to take my laptop into Parker’s room. The minute the door opened I was hit with his scent. I instantly regretted my decision. I continued on through his room until I was comfortable on his bed with my laptop on my belly.

I was so mad at myself for last night. I loved Parker and I knew he loved me but for some reason things just escalated. He was right though, I was letting Matt ruin my life. I did deserve to be happy, I deserved to be with Parker. I deserved to live a life without some asshole creeping in the back of my mind.

I felt crazy talking to myself so I decided to log on and see if Jake was online, I needed to clear my head. Thankfully he was. My cursor blink as I thought of what to respond to his ‘what’s up.’ I wasn’t going to tell Jake the full story. He didn’t know me that well and I wasn’t prepared to let the story slip but I did decide to let him help me.

Lying in Parker’s bed I told Jake about the night I had just had. I was really surprised to see that he didn’t press the issue of the story but was content with what I had said. That was the good thing about Jake, he never questioned me unlike the people I hang around with. He did tell me something that stuck though. He told me that there was no way my relationship with Parker was ever going to work if I was lying. He said I could trust Parker and that I needed to tell him, it would make everything better.

I knew Jake was right but it still wasn’t enough to convince me. I’ve lived with this secret for two and half years because it wasn’t going to benefit anyone from knowing. No one knows the full story of Matt because I’m protecting myself without telling it. Yet, by protecting myself I’m also destroying myself.

It was now three o’clock and since the boys would be coming home to get ready I decided I should get ready myself. I left Parker’s room, making sure to leave everything how it was before I got in there. I walked over to my closet and grabbed my jersey. That’s right after we made it to the play-offs Coach got me my very own jersey. It was good timing too, since Miranda had still been wearing Jayden’s jersey. Parker’s spare jersey had been retired to the public eye. It became a big mystery as to where it was and who would turn up with it. Little did they know that I still had it and frequently wore it as a pajama.

After getting dressed I painted the boys numbers on me like I had done for the last four years of my life. I realized this could be the last time I write their high school numbers on my cheek. If we didn’t win tonight the season was over. I didn’t want to think about not seeing my brother and Parker play on their field ever again. Pushing the thought to the back of my mind, I grabbed my keys and left the house.

Just as I was pulling out the others were getting home. I waved goodbye quickly before anyone could ask question. From my rearview mirror I could see Parker’s gloom face watching me. I kept going, now was not the time.