I Need You

1

TW's:
-Depression (suicidal thoughts)
-Mentions self harm
-Bullying

I opened my eyes and a new day had started again. I yawned and stretched a little. After I laid down for ten more minutes, I decided to get up. I walked to the bathroom, took a fast shower and went downstairs to prepare myself some breakfast. Whilst eating, I grabbed my phone and opened YouTube. I had placed a video yesterday and I was so proud of it. Skeppy said he liked it too and he helped me edit some parts. I was excited to check the comments. I opened all comments and started reading.

This video sucks
735 likes

Okay, that's just one comment, that doesn't have to mean anything.

Can you turn your camera off, you're pretty ugly
272 likes

I read a little further and noticed half of the people were bullying me. I sighed, noticing my mental health wasn't very good lately. I went back upstairs and started my computer up. When I opened TeamSpeak I saw Skeppy in a call alone and I decided to join.

'Hey, Skeppy,' I said. I tried sounding cheerful, but I noticed it got more difficult every day.

'Hey, Bad. What's up?'

'Oh, nothing much. You?'

'Same, just bored. Any plans today?'

'I don't know yet.'

'Maybe we can record?'

'Oh, no. I have to visit my mum, I just realised.'

'Oh, okay.'

'Bye, see you later.'

'Are you going?'

User disconnected from your channel

I laid down in bed. I didn't want to let Skeppy down, but I definitely didn't want to record ever again. No one thought I was funny, I was only getting hated on. I sighed and looked around me. Blades, where were they? I was too tired to stand up and got mad. Why? Why me? What did I do wrong? Why did Skeppy get loved so much, but as soon as I joined his video, he got hated. I didn't only want to stop the bullying against myself, but I wanted to protect Skeppy as well. He didn't deserve to be hated on because of me.

I stood up and walked to the bathroom, looking in the mirror. I looked at myself in full disgust. They were right, it hurt to hear, but they had a point. They were only saying the truth. I was ugly, my glasses made it worse and above that all. I was fat as well. They were right. Just everything they said, it was right. I regretted I ate breakfast this morning. I didn't deserve it, I didn't deserve to eat. I didn't deserve to enjoy recording and I definitely didn't deserve to have fun. In fact, I didn't even deserve to live.

Skeppy might have said he loved me, but it were jokes. How did I know he wasn't just lying. Everyone told me the opposite, he was just lying. He didn't love me, he never did. No one ever did. Maybe my mum, but I doubted it. I wasn't loveable. I was depressed, anxious and sad all day. No one knew. I doubted if Skeppy even knew I got bullied on the internet. I never told him, but he must have noticed me getting quieter.

I kept thinking and thinking. It drove me crazy. Sometimes I thought about the death. How would I be? A lot calmer than this. Would it be nice? Would it be better for everyone? Who loves me right? Who would miss me? Skeppy? My mum? Skeppy never even saw me in real life, how could he love me. I loved Skeppy, but I loved people too fast. I loved them, they broke my heart and went back to their old lives.'

I heard my phone ring, I saw Skeppy spamming me.

Skeppy😊
R u okay?
Bad?
Hello?!
When do u want to record again? I have such good plans, people will love it
Bad?
R u already driving to ur mum?
Pls reply
Bad, I miss u

I felt tears coming up. Did he really miss me? He probably just tried tricking me. Just to break my heart. I started crying and tears streamed down my face. I buried my face in my pillow and cried it completely wet. Life was a hell, what did I have? Bullies who tried to make me kill myself. They were close, they were very close. Could I think of a reason to not kill myself?

No, because there were none...

736 words