I Need You

2

TW's:
-Mentions eating disorder
-Panic attack
-Self hate (mentions self harm/depression/suicidal thoughts)

I cried for over hours, skipped my lunch and decided to eat just a salad for dinner. I was a little hungry, but I didn't deserve food. I was fat, ugly and annoying. I needed to change everything first before I went back to making videos. Before I went back to calling with people. I felt tears in my eyes again. I missed Skeppy, I missed being happy, I missed being the old me, I missed my life. Before I realised, I started crying again. I sat in the couch, curling myself up as a ball. I put off my glasses, I would only cry them completely wet.

I suddenly got extremely mad. I hated my life, why would people be so mad to me, I'm just a simple guy, what did I do wrong? I cried and cried and hit my hand on the table. The pain made me feel a little calmer for a few seconds. I was numb from the inside and I had pain on the outside, just the opposite way. After the pain got a little less, the pain from the inside got worse again, which caused me to scream. I was dying from the pain. I started hyperventilating, I was going to die. A panic attack caused me to cry even harder. I feared death, even though I wanted to die.

I had always feared death, but I feared so much more. I was anxious for everything and after I also got bullied it got only worse. It all started with my dad. He left the family, I forgave him for it. I always forgave everyone, I just let it happen. Since my dad left, I decided to never trust people anymore, my own dad just left. He was drunk most of the time. I lived with my mum since I was 15. I was now 25 and I lived alone. Nothing changed, except that the anxiety got worse.

I started noticing more and more that scared me. Talking in public had always been difficult, but now started to be the feeling of death. Panic attacks filled my day more and more and my trust issues got worse every day. I even doubted my own mum. She had always been there for me and I just couldn't trust her. I trusted no one. I only trusted my mum and Skeppy for a little. But Skeppy didn't love me, I was just a friend. He had enough friends, I wasn't his best friend. I was just a friend on the side watching over him playing with his own friends.

Just as that always happened in school. Everyone got chosen for a team, but I didn't. No one choose me in a team and I was always watching on the side. Even though I liked basketball a lot and I was pretty decent in it, I wasn't allowed to play. My teacher never even noticed. School was a hell too, I got bullied. I always get bullied. But why? Just because I don't swear and people think I'm weak?

I decided to go on TeamSpeak, alone in a channel. No one would join, but I just liked the idea people were able to join. I was still sobbing softly and I startled when suddenly Skeppy joined the channel.

'Bad? Are you crying?'

I sniffed. 'No, no. I'm just a little sick.'

'No, I don't believe you. Are you alright?'

'Yes.'

'Bad-.'

Buddy joined your channel

I looked up and saw Tommy joined the channel.

'Hey, guys. Oh shit, Walter!'

'Language,' I mumbled.

'I know another word for cat, do you now which one Bad?'

'What?'

'Pussy.'

'Language!'

'What's wrong with that word. SHIT, PUSSY.'

'Tommy!'

'Tommy, stop,' Skeppy said. 'He doesn't like it.'

'Shit.'

I started crying and directly disconnected from the call. I saw Skeppy messaging me, but I ignored it. Why did he always do this? I disliked it and he knew that. Was he just bullying me? I mean everyone did, so why wouldn't he. I hated my life so much.

Skeppy😊
Bad?
Bad whats wrong
Ur so different since a few weeks
Did smth happen
Did i do anything?
I love u bad, i told tommy to stop
Do u want to come back

You
Im going to bed sorry

Skeppy😊
Okay, see ya
Love you dude
Goodnight

You
Gn

I threw my phone away and went back to crying. He didn't love me, he just didn't. But I did. I did love him more than anything.

755 words