I Need You

3

TW's:
-SELF HARM
-Suicidal thoughts
-Depression/anxiety/panic

I went to bed early that day. I woke up when it was only 6 am. I was very hungry, probably one of the reasons I couldn't sleep. I cried myself to sleep just as always. Why did I miss Skeppy so much. I would love to talk to him, but I just couldn't. I checked Twitter and startled. I had over 500 hate messages. I started crying again, why? Why are they this mean? I got mad and I didn't think clear. I went to the settings of my Twitter and deleted my account. No one would mind. I just knew no one would. I walked downstairs and went to see Rat. I started cuddling her.

'Hey, Lucy. Do you love me? No one else loves me, Lucy. It makes me really sad. I think about killing myself sometimes, everyone is so mean. Would you care, Rat?'

She made a sad noise. I hugged her even tighter. 'I only really have you. I can't believe Skeppy would really love me. My dad left, my mum has always been there for me, but she has also always been sad, Lucy. Do you understand me? I love you, Lucy. Do you love me too?'

She seemed to nod softly and I smiled a little. At least someone cared about me. I heard my phone ring again. Who was up at this time? I checked my phone and saw it was Skeppy again. I wanted to be mad. He kept texting me. I hated Telegram too.

Skeppy😊
Hey did u sleep well? Im was worried bout u

You
Yes u

Skeppy😊
Not really

I couldn't trust him, he was just faking everything. I got mad again and deleted my Telegram too. I didn't want to have contact with anyone, I couldn't handle anymore hate or stress. I laid my phone down and walked to the kitchen. Even though I told myself not to eat, I needed to. I was dizzy and nauseous. I decided to eat just a few bites of a sandwich and threw the rest away. I sighed, why did I came to this point. My life was the same everyday. I cried, starved, sometimes even self harmed and I made plans to kill myself.

I still had a small bit of hope, just a small bit. Maybe someone would like me and help me? But who? Skeppy lived far and just as my mum, they didn't even know about anything. They didn't know about the several cuts on my arms or the suicidal plans I made and I had tried before. They wouldn't care. I felt myself getting a little short of breath again. Was another panic attack coming up? It felt like it. I stood up, grabbing my blade and put it on my arm. Who cared right? I felt the blade pressure on my skin and before I knew I had several cuts again.

I went deeper every day, it felt good for just a while. I saw blood streaming down, dripping on the floor. It mixed with my tears. I stood up and grabbed some napkins, I was bleeding a lot. I startled a little, my wounds were really deep. The feeling of being numb disappeared and I felt the pain coming back even worse. I cried harder and harder and I ended up in a panic attack. It was a very big panic attack I could tell. I would even be surprised if it took me hours to calm down. I grabbed my blade again, I felt so extremely bad, I just wanted to cut more.

Just to feel a little better, just for a few seconds. Why would no one let me? If people found out I cut myself, they would just get mad. The worst thing is to disappoint people. Knowing you've hurt them, whilst you only tried escaping death. I could have killed myself, but instead I cut myself. Wasn't that a step forward? Probably not. No one had ever been proud of me. I started hyperventilating, I had no one here to calm me down. I never had anyone, which caused the panic attacks to last forever. I was exhausted after two minutes, knowing I had a few hours to go like this. I stared at the new cuts in my arms and closed my eyes. I would either bleed to death or die from the panic attack.

I had no idea which one was better.

745 words