The healing process~Kyman-Currently being updated

What have I done?

My legs move numbly as I walk back to Cartm-

My house.

My face feels droopy and my mind feels heavy with thoughts swirling like a tornado in my mind. I want to think about this, but I can't. This is too much to take in. Too much to process at the moment. All I can do right now is just walk. I stare at my feet as I walk, quickly picking up my walking pattern. I haven't felt this confused and miserable since Cartman ran off.

I want to cry. I seriously want to cry. I want the lump in my throat to just come up and allow me to release all the unnameable things I feel. But I can't. For reasons I can't quite grasp, maybe something to do with psychology, I can't cry nothing more than bitter crocodile tears. It's not that I'm ashamed or anything, after all I'm the only one here, it's just really difficult to push the tears out. My eyes get covered in a thin sheet of tears, blurring my vision temporarily. I bring my sleeves up and dab at my eyes and eyelashes, removing any trace of tears before stepping up to the green house I've grown to recognize. My first instinct was to knock, though that would be pointless since I live here now.

I opened the door, finding Cartman anxiously waiting for me on the couch. His eyes are so dark, and the skin around them is red and swollen. He must've been pretty upset after I ran out. He sprung up the second I stepped in and approached me worriedly. I wanted to step back, but that might come off as cowardly, and I'm anything but that around Cartman.

"Kyle, please let me explain."

I ignore him, tunnel visioning my way up to the bathroom. Where else should I go? My room isn't done yet, so my best bet is hiding out in the bathroom until we leave to see Tweek and Craig. That's right, I haven't forgotten. I'd never hear the end of it if I missed out on a study date. Cartman knocked at the door, pleading to come in, but I mute out his voice and turn on the shower. I wanted to step in, fully clothed, but I don't really have other clothes to change into, so I strip to my boxers and sit against the door. I'm not sure why I do the things I do when I'm upset. Maybe it's a Pavlovian response or some shit. I can't think anything past the painfully obvious 'I'm in deep shit.' This was something I've always known when it came to Cartman, but never had the balls to admit as I started to love him.

Really love him.

Not like some Disney bullshit. Actually, now that I think about it, just like some Disney bullshit. A twisted romance.

Beauty and the Beast. a tale of Stockholm Syndrome, where Cartman and I are the main characters, therefore love interests. I didn't think it could be possible. I mean, I've known Cartman all my life, I can tell when he's telling the honest truth. Then again, there have been many instances, even now, in which he's successfully fooled me into believing whatever lie he spouts. Most of the lies he told were minor, but I was stupid enough to believe half of them. I thought I knew better.

I finally got up and took off my boxers, stepping into the shower and letting the water smack my face unpleasantly. I want to get used to the feeling, but it takes too long and I just start to lather my fingers through my nasty red hair. It's all tangled from being bunched up in my green hat, but it's somewhat clean from my earlier shower. My fingers start to prune as they rub against my scalp and I cringe at the feeling. After my hair has been successfully drenched and washed, I grab at the sides of my arms and squeeze.

What have I done?

I want to break something. I need to punch something, snap something, get this anger out somehow. I want to pull at my hair now, but that may backfire. I need to relieve this frustration another way. What could I do though?

Before I left Stan's house, he told me to stop by whenever I needed something, and to be wary of Cartman. I guess I could go to his house and listen to music with him. Besides, I've really been meaning to listen to his music for a while now. Yeah, that could work. First off, I need to get this study date over with and talk to Cartman as little as possible.