Red

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

Rhiannon

I shut the door and squeeze my eyes shut to blink away the panicked tears threatening to spill. I can't be pregnant, I just can't. This is not happening to me right now. I'm sure Jacob does not want a baby, especially with me. For Christ's sake, my dad won't even allow us to be together. He's the only one with a stable job right now, once my dad finds out he will fire him and most likely kill him. Then our baby will be left fatherless.

Another wave of nausea hits me at that thought. I couldn't be without Jacob, if something happened to him it would break my heart. And as much as I hate to admit it, starting a family with him would be perfect. Which breaks my heart a little more because my dad really will not allow it. But a baby with his silver-grey irises, his dark hair, and calling him daddy, makes my ovaries almost explode inside me. The love I already feel for him grows just at that thought and possibility, but then my heart cracks when I weigh up the disadvantages and how our actual situation just isn't real. It's as if we're in a fantasy land. We're going along like this is going to work out and it won't. Again, my father will not allow it.

I realise then that I'm leaning against the door with my eyes still shut, and my fingers gripping the pee bottle way too tightly. If the room was any hotter, I'm sure it would crack between my fingers.

I have no choice but to do the sample, unless I walk out and refuse to take a test at all. But I'm sure that would only anger Jacob and make him on edge if he knew there was a possibility I was carrying his baby and I refused to find out. Not to forget, it's completely unfair and unethical. It's the last thing I'd want to do too. It's driving me insane right now. I need to know.

I place the bottle on the side of the sink, thankful that I actually do slightly need to pee. I sort myself out, sit comfortably, then place the pot between my legs. Whenever I imagined myself first having to do a pregnancy test, I definitely did not imagine it being in a dingy doctors surgery with my dads employee as the potential father, and me having to use a urine pot not an actual pregnancy test. But then things never go how we expect, do they? Nope. Never.

I shift uncomfortable, back and forth, left and right, trying to catch at least something, and trying not to get pee on my hands. But I fail miserably at the latter, as it pours all over me. My hands are soaked and the bottle isn't even that full. My backs aching from sitting in such a funny position, and my wrist is definitely touching the toilet seat. A public one too. The amount of germs on my hand right now are making me want to spill my guts again. Ew.

I pull the bottle out carefully, so I don't spill any of pee - mainly because I don't want it on myself, not even to protect the sample - and then sit it gently on the side of the sink. I wipe myself, sort myself out and then scrub my hands twice. I feel so dirty and I'm sure Jacobs wondering if I've fell down the toilet.

When I'm completely finished and clean, I open the door to find Jacob sitting with his head between his legs and his hands gripping his hair. I take one look at his stressed form and know he doesn't want this. Does he even want me anymore? Am I enough? Is that why he doesn't want our baby? Because I'm not good enough? All these questions spiral out of control, practically filling my brain. I want to run and never come back, not even know if I'm pregnant, but I know I have to. And then we need to talk. No matter the result, we clearly need to talk about us and what we want because if this isn't a wake up call about our situation, I don't know what is. He either needs to man up and tell my dad, or we finish. Because I love him so much, it breaks me to think he won't put me before anything and anyone else.

"Rhi?"

I didn't realise he'd moved and was now standing in front of me. His hand comes up to caress my cheek, and I realise a tear has fallen. He's swiping it away as I notice his own tears swimming. He hasn't let his fall, instead they're floating inside his eyelids.

"You okay?" He asks, his voice thick with emotion.

Not able to find my words, I nod and grab his hand to go into the doctors room. The love and passion is still their between us, I feel it sizzling like bacon on a hob, but the atmosphere has definitely shifted. Something has changed between us and I'm certain we now need that talk.

We both sit back down in our designated seats in front of the doctor, and he takes the sample in his glove covered hands. Thank god for that, because it's dripping with pee.

"I'm just going to dip this in here and then we wait two/three minutes to see the result. I'm sure you already know this, but two lines means you are pregnant and one means you are not."

He begins the process, dipping the stick and then leaving it to await the results. He then dips another two before clarifying, "just to be sure."

We both robotically nod, eyes fixed on the three sticks lying on the table.

"Are you both trying?" He looks so enthusiastic and excited as he asks that question, it soon falters when we don't mirror that same expression.

I shake my head, unable to find my words again. I know if I speak, I'll cry. And I'm not about to do that in front of either of them.

It's this moment when most people are either chanting for it to be negative or on the edge of their seats in excitement for it to be positive. Me? I'm not sure what I want. The inner conversation I had in the bathroom made me realise I'd love a baby with Jacob, but it wasn't ideal. So basically, even if I do want it, what's the point? From that point on our life will be messier than it is now. We will both share a life. A human being. Both be responsible for this little human, while my father doesn't even like the idea of me with Jacob. I mentally scoff at that. I shouldn't have to live my life around my father, why can't he just let me be? Let me have the life I want. With Jacob and our baby and-

"Congratulations! You're pregnant."

"What?" I avert my eyes from the wall in front of me and stare back at the doctor. He looks extremely awkward, most likely because both our faces are of shock and - if I'm right - Jacobs will be of disappointment. Because I'm sure he doesn't want this at all.

"You're pregnant, now you have several options so don't worry. And you don't have to make a single decision yet. I can provide you with leaflets, and we can book your first twelve week scan too in case you decide to keep it. I know it's a bit of a shock, so I don't want to talk too much, but if you decide to keep it there are a few vaccinations your doctor may want to discuss you having if you haven't already, to protect you and baby."

Whatever he said completely fell out my head. A baby. I'm pregnant. My hand falls to my lower tummy, holding it protectively. I still haven't looked into Jacobs eyes, terrified of what I might see. But when his hand covers mine, I can't help flinch and shoot my eyes to him.

"I'll give you two a moment." I hear the doctor say, but I don't respond as he leaves the room.

I take notice now of Jacob, who looks terrified and shocked all at once. His hand is still covering mine, gripping my own sweetly and protectively.

"Pregnant." He whispers, almost in awe, as he looks down at our intertwined hands. Was I wrong? Does he want this?

I go to open my mouth but am stuck for words again. I don't know what I want anymore because I don't know what I can have. If I have this baby, stay with Jacob, my dad will find a way to ruin us both. Never mind I'm his daughter, he will hate me and our baby.

"Right, here are those leaflets." The doctor makes me jump as he walks through the door and passes me three different leaflets. One with abortion, one with adoption, and another one about keeping my baby. All three sound daunting but the the first just makes me feel sick. Even the second really. I couldn't imagine giving away someone I've cherished and grew for nine months, but I also couldn't imagine myself going to a clinic right now and doing whatever it is you do to terminate your baby, because I just can't. I shut my eyes and try to calm myself. Either way, me and Jacob need to talk. Immediately.

"Let's go talk, yeah?" I don't recognise my own voice as I speak, and I see the tables turn in his head as I say it. He's worried. Welcome to the club, I'm fucking terrified.