Lotus Lines

Sirius

As I soak in the tub I think and go over the events of the past hour or so.
"What took control over me like that?"
"Why does Gideon make me feel like this?"
"What is it that I'm feeling?"
I adjust in the tub and feel my body up and down slowly. I imagine it's Gideon's hand.
"No stop. Stop this isn't right."
I sit up and breathe.
"What's wrong with me?"
I get out and drain the tub, changing back into my clothes and leaving the bathroom. I can't even look at Gideon without my face flushing from embarrassment. He doesn't know my thoughts but I still feel embarrassed by it.
I lean against the corner counter and take a deep breathe.
Gideon is sitting on his floor bed reading his personal book.
I have a thought. One that is if rejected my dignity will be crushed, but I yearn for it.
"Would you like to sleep in the bed?"
Gideon doesn't respond, but then closes his book and looks up at me. Not in the eyes though. He's never looked me in the eyes.
"You propose you sleep on the floor?" He says.
I clear the lump in my throat.
"N-no...I propose, we sleep in the same bed..." my voice softens. I steal a glance at Gideon's face. I notice it red, just like how mine gets. He looks away towards the window.
"Why do you say that?"
"The Buds purposefully gave us one bed, for the two of us to sleep in. It's twice as large as our beds back in the Stem, so I'd believe there'd be room. It's just, we're breaking the expectations of the Buds by doing this. What with the separate sleeping arrangements and what not."
Gideon stares out at the clear night sky, closes his eyes, and nods.
"You're right. Despite our wants we must follow the orders and expectations of the Buds. It's our duty." He stood up and grabbed his pillows and blanket, "which side would you like?"
"Uhm, I'm fine with the right side." He nods and places his pillow on the left.
My heart sank when I thought of what he said. It played over in my head
"Despite our wants..."
I wanted it.
But why did I want it?

————

I crawled into bed and laid facing the window. I hear Gideon getting in on the opposite side. We stay quiet and two feet apart.
The silence was so loud.
"Do you see that star? The brightest one in the sky right now?" I hear Gideon shift and face the window as well.
"Yes."
"I read in a book that it's called Sirius...it's my favorite. It's so beautiful." He stayed quiet. "I also read that those that live out of the Stem have two names. But you just call them by the first one. Like I'd be Ida Bud, but you'd still just call me Ida...."
"What's the point of two?"
"I'm not sure...but if I ever get the chance, I'd make mine Sirius. It's such a pretty name. I beam at the sound of it."

GPOV:
Ida begins to talk about her star and what she's read. I don't know why. She doesn't need to open up like this. It's unprofessional. Everything she does is unprofessional.
And still, I find myself being pulled toward it all. It's comforting. Although I'm not always at ease when she's around.
My heart races and my face overheats at times when I'm with her. Maybe I've fallen ill.
Ida's voice snaps me back to reality. She goes on about personal information.
I begin to stare at the back of her head.
Her long hair is white and looks silky. I want to feel it, be close to her.
My hand reaches out to feel her hair, but I resist.
"You're better than that. Enough."
Pulling back I look up at the ceiling. I hear Ida shuffling. I look towards her only to see her now facing me. My eyes dart back up to the ceiling.
"Goodnight." She says faintly.
"Goodnight."