Finally...Us [BTSxReader]

Chapter 21

 "NamJoon, can we talk?" M appeared out of nowhere near the tall guy kneeled in the sand, looking at tiny crabs running around, her eyes puffed up from her crying session, and her gaze unfocused, the bonfire reflecting in their depths.

"Sure" he replied, getting up, ready to move somewhere else as he had a feeling it would be a more private thing. Her hand on his arm stopped him from walking away from her, and he stepped back to his spot, waiting for her to start talking. In the end, the silence bothered him, and he started talking about their day and the beach, trying to cover the awkwardness settled between them. "You know, you chose a perfect place. Pity you did not ask me about the spot I found, you know the one I told you about at the game? It had some stargazing spots, and I know how much you wanted to stay awake one night to stargaze" he said, feeling agitated as M kept staring at him, unmoving. It was more like he stared at a statue, and he wanted to shake her, to tell him already what was wrong.

"You know you are my first love, right?" she finally asked, and he froze, a deer caught in the headlights.

NamJoon stopped breathing, his heart hammering in his chest, as he thought about how he should reply to her question. In the end, he closed his eyes, trying to regain his breath.

"And don't dare lie to me!" she said, her eyes ablaze like she could read his mind and she would punish him if he dared lie. He could only sigh, trying to put his thoughts in order.

"M, look, we went through that in high school and..." before he could finish whatever he wanted to say, a slap echoed throughout the space they were in, his head snapping to the side from the surprise and force she applied to the slap. His eyes were wide, his mouth open as he was still trying to say something. His brain took a few seconds to process what just happened, before the sting settled into his skin, his hand slowly going to his cheek, holding onto the part she just hit. Turning to look at her, he saw her glaring at him, tears fresh in her already puffy eyes, and looking like she was holding back from saying something.

"That felt good" she finally said, settling into a neutral expression on her face. "I wanted to do that ever since you got drunk after your first relationship. Do you know what you told me back then? No, of course not, otherwise you would have been horrified with yourself" she talked, her voice raspy from either talking too much or crying. NamJoon felt compelled to ask her what was wrong, why was she acting like this, why was she crossing boundaries best friends should not cross.

"You told me" she stopped to take a deep breath, clenching her fists like it was something hard for her to get it out in the open. "You told me I would be perfect for you, if only I did not look the way I looked" M looked at him, the hostility leaving her body, and he could see the moment her fighting spirit broke inside her. "Do you want me to count on my fingers how many times you got drunk? And how many times you said that?" she continued, dragging every word forcefully out of herself. She had to do this, to get rid of this extra weight pulling her down, to let go of the past and his hurtful words. "Do you know what that does to the self-esteem, to the mind, to your fucking heart?" she asked, voice raised, shocking him as she just swore. "No, of course not. Why should you care to know that? You did not care enough to remember telling me that. It broke me every time. It reminded me I had feelings for you, and how I never was good enough. It...hurt, NamJoon. You hurt me" she finally said, her voice getting smaller and smaller as tears kept falling from her eyes, and she raised her arm, trying to cover her eyes.

He could say nothing, just watch her cry, not knowing what to do or say. When he did try to move closer to her, to hug her, she stepped back with every step he took, and he understood she was rejecting his comfort. In the end, he could only watch her turn her back on him and walk away, dejected, her shoulders slumped downwards, appearing even shorter than he remembered. He did not know what to do or say, and his mind and heart were split into two, one telling him this too will pass, the other screaming to run after her, to talk it out. Before he could decide, her figure was swallowed by the darkness of the night, and he could just slump into the sand, watching the tiny crab he was looking at before she came run by his feet, hiding in the sand. He felt like he was just like that crab, hiding away from anything outside of his comfort zone, and he wondered if he would ever come out from his hiding place and face the truth.