Good Girls Have Secrets

Chapter 24

Two days later, my mom's suitcase is nestled in the corner of the room. By her outfit and the amount of makeup she's wearing, her pathetic fiancé must be picking her up from the airport. I can't believe she's flying home, while I'm in the middle of the biggest mess of my life.

With her hands on her hips, she glares at me. "If Will isn't the father, then who is?"

Not looking at her, I mumble. "Xavier." My cheeks flush as I say his name. I considered lying to avoid her reaction.

Her expression turns from anger to shock. "Allie's boyfriend?" Closing her eyes, she growls, "Are you kidding me? Her mom was just telling me that they're talking about getting married. How could you? She's your best friend."

"Was. She was my best friend. Not anymore." I snap. My mom is oblivious to the fight Allie and I had last fall. "He came onto me. Why do you blame everything on me?" Like Allie's so innocent.

Anger fueled the night with Xavier. In the moment it felt good to ruin something of Allie's, after she ruined my friendship with Katie. The high from my power trip lasted until Xavier freaked out. He rambled about all the ways Allie would humiliate him. The reality that she'd come after me too brought me down fast and hard. Agreeing never to talk about it again, Xavier and I acted as if that night never happened.

My mom scolds me. "You've embarrassed the whole family with your sexual escapades. Imagine what people will say about you. What is wrong with you?"

"That's enough, Sarah." Aunt Beth's voice is quiet but stern. "This isn't helping. It doesn't matter what other people think. She needs to focus on Caris' surgery tomorrow."

Narrowing her eyes, my mom snaps, "How dare you tell me how to handle my daughter. This is none of your business."

"Someone needs to stop you from saying things you'll regret later." Pointing to monitors, Aunt Beth keeps her voice low. "The only thing that matters now is praying that this little girl makes it through the next twenty-four hours. If you can't understand that, it's probably best you're heading back to California."

Looking between Aunt Beth and me, my mom turns to grab her bag. "It seems like I've turned into the bad guy in this room, when I had nothing to do with this." Glaring at me, the looking back to Aunt Beth, she adds, "She's your problem now. See how you like cleaning up after her." She storms out.

Falling into the recliner, I lean my head back and look at Aunt Beth, who is now sitting on the couch. "Thank you for sticking up for me." My voice quivers. "She's not wrong. I've made a mess."

"Have you prayed about it? God will help you."

Thinking back to the chapel I nod, "I don't think God wants anything to do with me. I'm just too far gone to turn back now."

Scooting closer to me, Aunt Beth grabs my hand, "That's not true. You're never too far gone. He's just waiting for you to turn back to him."

Shaking my head, I add, "I could never be a good girl like you. Or Audrey. It's just not me."

Aunt Beth's laugh surprises me. "I have struggles and secrets that people don't know about. Do you think Audrey is perfect?"

"You always try to do the right thing."

"The only difference between you and me is that I ask Jesus to help me through hard times, instead of trying to figure it out." She sighs. "There was a time I tried to live up to the perfect church girl reputation. It led me really off track."

"What do you mean?

Pausing, I see a battle in her eyes. Her shoulders sag, as she shares. "When I was 17, I had an abortion without my parents knowing. I made my boyfriend drive me and swore him to secrecy. I was so afraid of what people would think of me, imagining the whispers and accusing words. Instead of talking to my parents or praying about it, in a rush, I took care of things myself." Tears slide down her cheeks.

Her voice cracks. "I so badly wanted to maintain my image that I scheduled an abortion to get rid of my mistake." She whispers. "I got rid of my baby." Wiping her face, "The guilt and the secrecy absolutely destroyed me. I can't describe the depth of depression I felt. One night I finally spilled my secret to my mom."

Silence hangs between us, as I process this new information. She adds, "My mom couldn't even look at me, which only added to my self-loathing. A few days later she wrote me a note telling me that if I'd surrender it to God, he'd use it for good and that He loved me. She put the note in a hymnal that belonged to her grandmother." Smiling she says, "It marked the song "It Is Well with My Soul." I still cry when I hear that song.

I don't have the heart to tell her that I read her note. Does her secret change the way I see her? No. It makes me love her more to know that she let me in on something so painful and personal.

"Please don't tell anyone about my secret. David knows, and I've spent a lot of time working through things with God. I hope someday to be able to share my story, but right now while we're facing infertility, I can't handle the idea that someone might say God is punishing me."

I blurt out, "God isn't punishing you. I took an abortion pill a few years ago, and I just had a baby."

"What?"

"I took an abortion pill. It was horrible, and I understand depression." I can't look her in the eye. "If I can have a baby after everything I've done, it can't be God punishing you. I just need to say that."

"Come sit next to me." Aunt Beth waves me over to the couch. Sitting next to her, she pulls me into her arms. We both cry for our own reasons.

Uncle David walks through the door. Looking at us, his eyes dart to the baby, then to the monitors. "What did I miss? What's wrong?"

He strides over to the couch, sitting on the other side of Aunt Beth. I feel his hand resting on my shoulder. Glancing up, I see he's wrapped her in a hug that included me.

Aunt Beth sniffed, "Sarah left. I promised Maddie that you and I will help her get through all of this."

Uncle David leans over saying, "Look at me." My eyes meet his. "We'll be with you through this every step of the way. You can live with us for as long as you want."

"Thank you." His kindness overwhelms me.

Jumping to his feet, he asks, "Who needs a cheeseburger and a chocolate milkshake?"

Aunt Beth laughs, "Only you could think of food now. I think we could all use a break from this room." She pulls me up with her. Grinning says, "I'm getting French fries too."

Uncle Dave pumps his fist in the air. "Yes! French fries for all of us."

In the hall that leads to McDonalds, Uncle David wraps his arms around our shoulders. "Ladies, I took the whole day off tomorrow, which means you get to spend the day with me. Won't that be fun?"

Looking up at him with a small grin, I say, "I'm glad you'll be with us. I couldn't do any of this without you two."

He ruffles my hair with his hand. "I can't imagine being anywhere else." He adds, "I hear the cafeteria has killer blueberry pie."

Aunt Beth rolls her eyes. "You keep eating all this junk food and your clothes won't fit."

Pulling out his phone, he pulls up a website. "Look, they sell waist extenders, so no worries."

For the next hour, it feels good to laugh and eat junk food.