Good Girls Have Secrets

Chapter 18

Friday rolls around, I head to Cornerstone to meet with Sean. Today we meet in the Sunday night Bible Study spot. Entering the room, I grin, seeing Sean sprawled across the couch where Matt and I sat my first night at study.

Setting his book on the floor, Sean sits up. "I'd like you to sit here." Pointing to the couch. "I'll grab a chair." Pulling a cushioned chair from against the wall, he sits in front of me.

Sliding my coat off, I lay it on the arm of the couch. It seems silly that I'm having a hard time being in this room. My chest tightens, making it hard to breath.

Watching me, Sean taps his fingers on the arm of the chair. "Tell me how you're feeling."

Looking around the room, taking a moment to process my feelings, I whisper, "Regret, I guess." I gulp for a breath as my throat tightens. "I messed things up again, like I always do. My study group friends are different from my friends at home, so I know it's me."

Leaning forward, Sean rests his hands on his knees. "How so?"

Searching for the words, I reach up and grab a strand of my hair. Flipping it around in my fingers, I study it. "I only let them see what I wanted them to. If they knew all of me, there's no way I could be part of their group. I'm not like them." It's hard to put into words.

"How are you different?"

"They're actually good. I'm just pretending, so they let me hang around. I want what they have, but it's too hard to be like them."

Sean looks serious. "Why do you say that?"

"I like to drink and party. It's fun. The only reason I'm not doing it now is because I don't want to hurt my baby." Looking out the window, I decide to be honest, "I like having sex too."

"So, you believe in God, but you don't want to live in alignment with his teaching?" Sean's voice is gentle and matter of fact.

"I guess you could say that." I shrug. "What's the big deal if I drink and party? It's like God wants to take all the fun out of life."

Leaning back in his chair, Sean stares at the ceiling for a long time. "Have you ever considered that your fun comes at a high price?"

Confused, I ask, "What do you mean?"

"I bet some of your biggest regrets are from nights when you were partying."

Nodding, "Yes. Also, some of my best memories too."

"If you're honest most of the young men want to use you for their own physical pleasure. And your friends will do mean things if it benefits them. Right?" Leaning forward, he asks, "The connection is the strongest when you are intoxicated. It's a false intimacy. There's no depth. Are those the kind of relationships you want? Not to mention the hangovers you probably deal with."

A lump forms in my throat. Crying, I sniffle. "I've never thought about it like that. I wouldn't have any friends if I didn't drink and party."

"You haven't been partying here and you have friends."

"Church friends that barely know me."

"What you're really saying is that to fit in the crowd of people you want to hang around with, you need to act like them." Leaning down, he pulled a piece of paper out of his book. Then grabbed the pen out of his shirt pocket, scribbling down some notes. "Fascinating. What's different about your friends here?"

"They really seem to care. Maybe it's the honest discussions we have, but I feel a different connection to them." My stomach drops, "I'm still pretending to be like them. So where do I fit?"