Despite All Obstacles Part V

Incognito

WARNING: SEXUAL THOUGHTS

INGLEWOOD, CA

Sunday, September 23rd. (Yesterday)

Yesterday, I had to dance to church. The song we danced to is called "Take My Life" by Micah Stampley. We all got a standing ovation and I curtsied to the crowd.

I went to the altar again. I caught the Holy Spirit again. I told Bishop what happened during my first camping trip. He anointed me. I cried out to Christ. I was really good at hiding my new sins in church, but only four People know, who're watching me from above, and Bishop.

PASADENA, CA

I came home, stuffed from dunch. I ate soul food, early dessert, drank a Grape Fanta can and bought a honey bun. I was eating my guilt away until I was too full, but the guilt's still here. I haven't told anybody about that night, not even Patt, or momma.

Coming from Inglewood back to Pasadena feels like I'm returning back to Sin Couny, where it looks safe, when it's really dangerous. Looks can be really deceiving.

Knowing I go back to my real home only on Sundays for bible school that runs from 9AM to noon (then join the church for the rest of the adult service, you know how that goes), Saturdays for bible study at the same hours, and whenever I have to rehearse for choir on Thursdays at 5 to 7PM and dance on Fridays at 5 to 8PM.

I guess God's teaching me a lesson on skipping dance rehearsals and bible study, recently.

When I got ready for bed, I couldn't stop thinking about Matt. How sexy he is. How I'm tempted to touch myself, remembering that night. 

He took off his shirt, shown skin, and kissed me. I reciprocated. For some reason, I didn't want him to stop. He started making out with me and pulled down my hood sweater's zipper. He was undressing me. I wasn't stopping him. Why did I refuse to stop him? I told myself I would wait until marriage.

He took off my sweater and shirt and saw my bra. 

"I thought I had gym today," I told him.

He grabbed them. He rubbed them. I moaned. He gave me that weirded look that peers would give me, and some teachers. He pulled my bra off. My sweater, shirt and bra were on the ground.

He made out with me again, put his tongue inside my mouth, while holding my tops. Oh my. That felt so right, but it was so wrong.

He kissed my neck on each side. It felt tingly. He kissed my body, downwards. He opened my pants once he got to the end, pulled them halfway down along with my panties. I look down at him staring down there. "What are you doing?"

He looked up like a hungry dog, continued staring down there, and abruptly consumed. I shut my eyes through it. I knew that shouldn't happen because that was Patt's brother. My good friend's popular older twin brother. I moaned while grabbing onto his hair.

That time, I finally resisted the urge after those intrusive sinful memories. It was really hard to fight it. I kept twisting and turning on my bed. I badly wanted to lock my door. I decided to fast like Christ did when he was in the desert. 

I looked at Christ hanging on my wall. I asked momma if I can have Him when I was ten, after finding out poppa died. She gave Him to me. I read scriptures and prayed to Him about poppa, friends, momma and peace.

I smiled at Him. "Thank You," I mouthed. Then, I saw Christ slowly turned into Matt. My eyes grew in fear. He made the same kissy face as Matt at the campfire. I quickly turned away, afraid to look at Him again.