Broken Book 2

Talking it out

As March went on Bella would go to school and then drag me to the Cullen's house. Come April I was sitting in Dominic's room on his bed when I heard a small knock on the door. Carlisle opened it and said "Mads can we talk?" I shrugged holding a picture of him to my chest.

He took it as an ok and sat on the edge of the bed to face me. He said "How are you holding up?" I shrugged again. He said "Mads please talk to me. I miss you and hearing your voice and your laughter." I sighed and said "I'm not ignoring you, I just don't know how to answer that question. I was planning his birthday while some bitch killed my baby. I had to be restrained so the paramedics could declare him dead. I fucked up Carlisle, I let my emotions take control and I left him unsupervised. I close my eyes and I dream one of two things and I cant handle either of them." 

He said "What do you dream about?" I buried my face in my arms and said "What do you think I see? I dream about  my baby boy the day he was born laying in my arms, and then him again but dead in my arms, still a tiny baby boy. I hear him scream "Mommy!" which echos in my mind, he last breath was him calling for me, for my help and I failed him. I don't want to live knowing I failed my son, I brought him into this world but I couldn't keep him here. Renee told me that she knew I couldn't keep him alive. That dream destroys me again and again. Then I wake up and run to his room which is empty because Charlie won't put anything in it and I destroyed it the morning after he died." 

Carlisle said "You said two dreams?" I glared at him and said "The last one is you breaking my heart over and over, I remember the day I got that letter perfectly, I even remember that stupid fucking letter word for word. Between you ripping out my heart and my son leaving me in all of 4 months, I have no reason to live but I don't get my way. Stupid goddamn wolves." Bella came in from sitting by the door and said "Charlie wanted to put her in the psych ward but Sue said "It wouldn't help, that the loss she is feeling will eventually subside." Bella crawled up next to me and laid her head on my shoulder. 

I said "What do you want Isabella?" She flinched at her whole name and said "I want you to forgive me, please Maddie, I didn't know she was after you or him." I said "Im not mad at you for that. Victoria coming wasn't your fault, she was probably after me as well because the Cullens killed her mate and her family." She jolted up and said "Wait, then what are you mad at me for?" I said "Where is the check Bella?" she gave me her guilty look and said "Ok so maybe I put it in your bank account, so what he left it for you." Carlisle said "Why didn't you cash it Mads?" 

I stood up and groaned before saying "I didn't want your stupid money, I wanted you, you fool! I could afford to care for our son, I just... after promising me and our son you would love us forever and always help me protect, love, and raise that little boy. You left me with only the gifts from my birthday, a letter, and a check. And yes he is still your son because he died loving you as his daddy. But me..." Bella slipped out of the room as I paced. "...I Love you so damn much that I hate you for breaking my heart, but hate doesn't outweigh the love I hold for you. I don't know if I could ever be with you or trust you not to leave me again, but regardless you will always have my heart. So if I cant trust you again, just know you won't have to see me with anyone else because I cant love anyone but you." 

I slid down the wall and said "Thats why I let Bella drag me here everyday, being near you helps relieve some of my constant pain, but Im too scared to trust you." Bella hollered "Maddie now!" I stood up and grabbed the door handle before saying "Besides, you probably don't care if I lived or died anyway." I walked to the kitchen as Bella put a plate of food on the table I sighed and sat down to eat. Carlisle came in and said "How could you even think that?" he looked hurt, Bella said "Whats going on?" as I said "its obvious, our son dies and not a call, text, or anyone showing up. I tried to kill myself not once, not twice but four times, again radio silence. But the moment Bella jumps off a cliff bam! Everyone is back and worried." 

I went back to eating and Bella said "I was cliff diving Maddie." Carlisle said "We didn't know" I said "Yet you knew about my sister, which means Alice was watching Bella's future but not me or your son's. I don't care that she didn't watch my future, but you should have had her check on his future of all people. Do you even understand how hard you leaving was for him? Forget about me for a second and think about him. He cried every night for two months and the main question out of his mouth was 'When is daddy coming home?' At first I would tell him that I didn't know but that his daddy would be back for him one day. But after awhile I just started to say to him 'I don't think Daddy is coming back baby.' and then id hold him all night long as he cried himself to sleep."

"I let him get attached and you left me with a little boy who felt like his daddy abandoned him. If you didn't want to be with me? If you thought it was safer for us for you to be gone, then fine but you should have called your son at least once a week. In the room, that picture I was holding, the one I continue to carry around. Its not just of him, it's the two of you and I carry it around because he was obsessed with it, it hung out by his bed and every morning and night he would talk to that picture of you, I remember the first time I heard him do it too." I smiled as I recalled that night.

(FLASHBACK)

I went to Dom's door to tuck him in, but I heard his sweet little voice say "Hi Daddy! I know you didn't mean to hurt mommy, I miss you. I hope you come home soon, mommy won't say it but I know she wants you to as well. Papa is mad at you, Auntie Bella doesn't leave her room she doesn't like that bubba Eddie is gone. I'll take care of mommy until you come back, I love you Daddy." I opened the door and saw him kiss Carlisle's face in a picture. I said "Hey baby, it's time to lay down." I tucked him in and said "Dom mommy is fine I promise." He said "Mommy, sometimes I wake up and go to your room and you're crying, but don't worry mommy, daddy cant leave us forever right? He will be back right mommy?" I held back my tears and smiled while saying "Someday baby, someday he will be back for you." Dom said "You to, right mommy? He will be back for you too?" 

I kissed his head and switched off his lamp before saying "No baby, I don't think daddy will be back for me, Daddy loves you very much, don't ever doubt that but... Daddy has decided he doesn't want to be with mommy and that is ok." He said "Daddy loves us." as he closed his eyes and started to fall asleep. I sat by his side until he fell asleep then I went to my room changed into shorts and a tank top, before crawling into bed and crying myself to sleep.

(END FLASHBACK)

 I was crying, Carlisle had pulled me into his arms half way through my story and I said "So don't worry I never poisoned him against you, he knew you loved him and he loved you. Someone clear out his room, I can't keep looking at it because it makes me think I'll see him again. I'm gonna lay down." Carlisle tightened his hold on me for a second before saying "You can lay in our room you know." then he kissed my head before releasing me. I walked upstairs to Carlisle's room before crawling into bed and crying myself to sleep.