Undeniable (Feitan x Reader)

Chapter 25: I Wish I Could Tell You

Perhaps it had been the excessive amount of alcohol she had consumed, or maybe the hours she had spent staring at the wall in front of her, but Machi felt nothing but a glaring numbness. It was a terrible habit of hers, drinking until she didn't have to feel anymore. What did she want to drown out so desperately she could only do so by becoming inebriated?

Sure, no one she knew including herself had a good life per se, they never really stood a chance. But even after all these years, why had everyone else except for her found a purpose in life, why had they all been able to form some semblance of a normal life but her?

There were many ghosts that haunted her. Emotions that evaded her, experiences she denied ever wanting but yearned for secretly. Truth be told, one of the most painful experiences for her was being deeply in love with someone who only saw her as a friend. Machi always felt a sentimental attachment to her until it turned romantic. Yet Pakunoda never returned the feeling; she saw Machi as a younger sister more than a lover.

The pink-haired woman spent years trying to forget that harrowing feeling. She distanced herself from the other members including Paku but she never forgot how much she and the rest of them meant to her.

For the first time in her life, Hisoka had made her feel like someone permanent and important. She was always confident and sure of herself, but she had only ever had herself. Machi didn't know what it felt like to have another person lay by her side. She consistently turned him down, until she finally gave in one night.

The complicated nature of this relationship was many things, but normal and romantic was not it. They were mostly nights filled with raw lust and passion, nothing more than moments where both Hisoka and she did not want to be alone.

His betrayal stung deeply, and what hurt the most was having to deal with the pain of losing Pakunoda. In a matter of hours, Machi lost so much, and she was still trying to cope with it all.

This was probably why she felt so confused about her confrontation with Feitan. Why did she even care? She had known him since she was little, they always had each other's backs but it was no different than with any other founding member of the Troupe.

"It's not fair..." she drunkenly whispered.

"There's gotta be something I can do to make sure Feitan doesn't make the same mistake as I did...trust someone...an outsider..."

You had grown used to the quiet knock on the door that always indicated that a certain black-haired man was waiting behind it. As you heard the sound on the door, you quickly rushed to make sure you looked presentable.

As you revealed the man just behind the door, he couldn't look happier to see you. You didn't have to wait for a second for him to walk in.

"Hey! I wasn't expecting you but then again I never expect to see you when I do." You cheerfully greeted him.

"Is that...a problem?" Feitan didn't seem to be in a good mood.

"Oh no, I'm always happy to see you." This was true, no matter the occasion, you were always glad to spend more time with him.

Whenever you met up with him, he never greeted you with a kiss, and rarely did he ever hug you. He was the type of man to prove his affection in other ways. He didn't really understand how relationships were supposed to work, but who really did?

As you lay in bed staring at the ceiling your mind shifted to a different place momentarily. You suddenly felt the cold feeling of his hand against your cheek.

"Hey so there's something I've been wanting to ask you," you said as you looked into his eyes, he immediately pulled his arm back.

His heart began to race, and he looked away. What was this that you wanted to ask him? "Is it something bad?" he couldn't help but wonder.