His red scarf [Feitan X Reader]

Chapter thirty

The moment of shock had passed, and when your eyes finally refocused on the ally before you, Feitan had gone. Sinking down to the floor you began to cry, heaves of tears, the kind you hadn't let yourself feel in years. Your heart hurt. Why?! WHY am I so stupid! I promised myself I wouldn't get in his way, stop him. But I did. Fucking pathetic. He hates you now

Intrusive thoughts began to swarm in your mind, those that you had tried so desperately to repress in your past

Pathetic fuck up

You messed it all up again

He hates you

This is why everyone leaves you

You mess everything up

"Stop... Please" you whimpered out "I can't..."

The voices only got louder as the world crowded around you

The first person you think of letting in...

You hurt him...

Your weak

Disgusting

You found yourself clawing at your skin, the exposed flesh on your arms steadily turning read with specs of blood formed from your nails scrapping away at the layers. Your knees gave out as you collapsed onto the floor, forcing you to take a rush of air as the hard ground scuffed your dress.

Opening your eyes, you stood up on shaking legs. No, I'm not doing this again. I can't let this happen. If only the FUCKING VOICES would QUIET DOWN for one GODDAMN MINUTE and let me THINK

Breathing out a sigh and muttering an "okay" under your breath, you wiped the running mascara from under your eyes. Its not going to end like this. Don't be weak. Don't be what they say you are. You are (F/N) FUCKING (L/N) – the badass bitch who wouldn't let a slip up like this ruin what you had with Feitan.

Running the pep talk through your head, you began to walk round the corner. Of course the troupe left, fucking double timing unfaithful fucks.

They left because you mean nothing to them

They hate you

Why would they stay for you

"SHUT UPPPP!!!" You yell in the middle of the street, making numerous passers-by glance at you and many crossed the road. You looked like a wreak, tear stained cheeks, messed up hair, scratches on your arms. Although to call you a wreak wouldn't be far from the truth.

You knew the walk back to the base would be a long one, so leaning against the wall of the nearest building, you removed the torturous heels that had been digging into your feet all night. The ground was cold and rough beneath your feet, occasional rocks and bits of rubble sending shocks of discomfort shooting up your leg, it was good, refreshing and kept you grounded (pun-intended).

Around an hour later, and half way through the journey it began to rain, thick heavy droplets that soaked your dress and blurred the streetlights in your vision
Pathetic fallacy – is the author really that unimaginative. Fucking typical

You passed people that you would normally kill, but you just didn't feel like it. You were sad, not heartbroken, GOD no, that has too many strings attached. Looking back on it now, you began to wonder if the little meltdown you had back at the ally was really called for. I suppose it must mean that I care for him a lot more than I thought huh? If the aching in your chest was anything to go by, you definitely were in deep at this point.

Lost in thoughts, you hadn't realised that your body had switched on auto-pilot, and you were now presently standing in front of the looming doors of the hideout. The intricate designs that once sparked so much curiosity and admiration now felt like they were taunting you.

Without knocking, you push the weighted door open, hearing the loud creak penetrate through the still air. Walking into the main hall, most of the group were there. Most. Just not Feitan.

12 pairs of eyes simultaneously swivelled round to glare at you. You heard a few scoffs, under the breath remarks and whispers passed round, but you weren't interested in that. Fiercely directing your gaze at Chrollo, who was luxuriously draped over the "throne" at the front of the room, you hissed

"Where is he"

Placing the book he was reading next to him and sitting up, he responded
"He doesn't want to see you."

"I don't care. I have to speak with him."

"No"

"What the fuck do you mean NO?!" You raised your voice, annoyance rifling through your veins

"Why are you even here? It's not like you were ever part of the group. You obnoxiously sabotaged us. And now you've pathetically dragged yourself back here. To what? Apologise? Beg for forgiveness? Try and get your little play toy back? And look at you---"

"SHUT UP!" You broke. The little twitches of your eye had been building up and you'd heard enough. You thought it was best not to attack the man, but god were you close.

"Just Shut up okay?" You whispered, the anger now dissipating into guilt and sadness after realising that everything Chrollo had said was entirely true. You were never part of the group, you were the one that fucked up. They could have killed the chain user, their number one target, the one person that they were solely seeking revenge against. But no. Instead you had got in their way. In Feitans way.

Your arms dropped limply to your sides, eyes cast downwards. You dare not cry. Once was enough for now, and you'd rather be caught dead than cry in front of the group. But Chrollo still acknowledged this sign of defeat

"Leave" He said in a defiant tone, never raising his voice, but not needing to. The man commanded so much respectability without ever shouting.

Your head snapped up, you couldn't leave yet, you had to talk with Feitan, apologise, hold him, tell him so many things that you hadn't realised before now. You opened your mouth to protest but Chrollo got there before you

"Now." His voice dangerously low

As he said this, the 11 other members surrounding you got to their feet, forming a circle trapping you in, the only escape being out the door you had just come in.

Realising your situation, you resolved to not let your dignity slip any further. Raising your head and looking Chrollo dead in the eye, you spoke loudly and clearly

"Tell Feitan I'm sorry"

And with that you turned on your heals and left.

You walked out the hideout, never once looking back, not even to close the door behind you. Holding your head up, you marched away, feet slapping into the soaked ground as you tried your hardest to hold it together.

Feitan stood on the top floor by the window. He had seen you come in. He had heard the conversation through the walls. And he had watched you leave. He had stood at the window in hopes that you would look back, show a sign of weakness, show him that you needed him. If you would just turn around he would run to you, hold you, tell you he forgives you, and maybe utter those three words he's been desperately trying to say.

But you didn't turn around, and he didn't see the tears that you now allowed to cascade freely down your face, as you walked away from the love of your life.

A/N:
Uh-oh is this angst I smell?
This isn't the end of the book my fellow weebs don't worry- there is a few more stops on the depresso expresso so buckle up Bois!
Also this book is getting so many reads (14k) Eeeek - *insert dramatic monologue of gratitude*

Stay safe
Kitty x