A/B/O || Jinkook

51. One more step

It's a little after 7 PM. The sun has already set and the other five are all watching a movie in the living room. Their laughter can be heard all the way into my room even with the door closed. I look through my clothes that are still an unsorted mess on the floor even after almost two months. No point in organizing now. I find my one and only suit and put it on without much hurry. It's a dark, desaturated blue color with thin, white stripes. It's not my typical style in the slightest and the only reason I have it in the first place is because Seokjin bought it for me to wear when we went to nicer restaurants. I realize now that we probably couldn't afford either of those things. It'd be a shame for it to go to waste, so I'll wear it one last time.

I put on a tie and after some real struggles I finally manage to do a proper knot. I fix my hair in my phone's reflection before removing the password and leaving it on Yoongi's desk. My house keys get put next to the phone and finally I take out the piece of paper hidden underneath my mattress. I unfold it and read it's contents one final time before leaving it with the other things on the desk. I rummage through my mountain of clothes again to find my dress shoes to go with the suit. After putting them on I'm all suited up and ready to go. I throw a final eye at the desk and my eyes land on the photo Yoongi stubbornly convinced me to put on display a while ago. Perhaps he wanted me to keep it as a reminder of Seokjin and the life we had. I carefully place the photo face down on the desk before leaving.  

I quietly shut the bedroom door behind me, trying my best not to disturb the others. My ears get filled with more laughter as they see something funny on the TV and I take my chance to exit the apartment unnoticed. I leave without a a jacket or any unnecessary accessories. I only need myself.

The thin layer of snow crackles underneath my feet as I walk towards my destination. I come across many people on their way home from work, but I pay them as little attention as they do to me. It's like I'm walking in an empty world. All that exists is me and the metal bridge off in the distance.

As I get closer I begin to wonder if I should've left a note after all. I decided not to since they'd most likely keep the note and thus always remember me to some extent. But it still would've been nice to say goodbye somehow. As of now I just disappeared. Everything has been normal until this very moment, or at least to them it has been. Maybe that's for the better. I don't know. There's no way of telling the answer to that.

It gets more and more quiet the closer to the bridge I get. Once I stand by the railing looking out over the water it's almost completely silent. I'm sure there's city noises going on everywhere but I just can't hear them. I put my hands against the metal and immediately feel the cold burning against my skin. I wipe away the snow before climbing up on the railing. My legs wobble a little on the edge before finding their balance again. My eyes automatically go down to the dark waters below before ultimately focusing on the horizon. The city lights blink on and off in every imaginable color. It's pretty. I remember seeing them reflected in Seokjin's eyes out on the balcony that one faithful day. He will forever be prettier than anything on this earth.

This is it. Just one more step and it's over. One step and I'll get rid of this heavy feeling in my heart forever. I'll finally get rid of everything. No more guilt, no more jealousy, no more sadness and no more emptiness. I can be free. And more importantly: everyone else can be free of me too. I've quit my job, dropped out of school and officially resigned from the swimming team. There's no going back. No second thoughts. Nothing for me to return to.

I feel sorry for them, the people I leave behind. I wouldn't like it if someone suddenly did this to me, but I can't go on like this any longer. I'm doing this for myself. To ease the pain. It would happen either way with the state my heart and body is in right now. I hope they know I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end this way but it's for the best. I hope they know that I love them too. As a final wish I would've liked to see Seokjin smile again, maybe just to see proof that he's happier now and that his mate is treating him well. But you don't always get what you wish for. I'll have to make do without it.