𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔, [nishinoya yuu x reader]

final author's note.

hey there,

i just wanted to thank you for reading up to this point. i spent basically the entire year (of 2020), well from march, on and off thinking about a plot and how to plan out this entire story.

i really hope that you've enjoyed this style of writing – that is, more reader-based as in more inner dialogue and thoughts; truly trying to capture the essence of the reader.

before i go onto more detail about my thoughts, basically the whole gist of the two endings is, one, i wanted to have a nice end where [reader]... got saved... i guess. and two, the one with [reader] dying was my original plan.

yes, i planned on letting you die, but i wanted to be nice and so i wrote a second ending. i though it would invoke more feeling if i kept the first ending so... ahaha, i have to ask, would you have preferred just the one ending or the two?

[just to be clear, the chapter titled "true ending" is what i originally planned, hence the title.]

it was... hard to write this in a way that i was satisfied with it. even after editing it over and over every week before i published each chapter... even now, i do think that it needs some work. i can't tell you enough how much i dislike entry 19/ entry 20. personally when i read those chapters, i just can't feel the emotions that i'm trying to convey. perhaps i've read it too many times that i can't feel them anymore.

however, at this moment in time, i am currently happy with how the story came out.

i was originally going to have this book purely be diary entries about the [reader]... but i didn't want the book to have a lot of chapters with too few words in each one. (and well, most of these chapters are approximately 2000 words or less.) deciding to have narration and all that was probably the best choice and it was easier for me to explore certain concepts.

i had also been contemplating for the longest time (when i was writing this), whether or not i should have added iwaizumi and oikawa as i really didn't know how they would fit into the story. i definitely had them as a support pillar for [reader], but as i continued on with the plot, i had no idea how to add more scenes with them.

so at one point, i got rid of them entirely. but i guess i never officially stayed with that decision. do you guys think they added a little bit more... 'something' to the book? let me know.

nishinoya... i guess you can say, is not my favourite haikyuu character*; however, he was my favourite when i first watched haikyuu in 2016. i really wanted to capture his beauty and his personality in this fan fiction. it has been an absolute joy being stressed out about whether or not i was doing his character correctly or not.

*[my favourite character from haikyuu is iwaizumi.]

even after i've read the manga and re-watched the anime so many times, there was always doubts in my head. but it's all done and dusted; i think i did well.

honestly, i spent so much time planning and doing research about the japanese school system and even the ski lodge back in entry 9—11. appi kogen is a real place!

i'm hoping to write so many more fan fictions in the future. i'm not sure why, but i seem to enjoy angsty and feelings fan fictions best.

also, did you guys like the OC's? harue, keiko and mei (plus watanabe and onishi). although the latter did not play a large role that i had intended, they were still characters that were not too plain.

the girls were supposed to help [reader] grow into the person she is, by allowing her to experience real-life situations like what harue and keiko were going through. at least, hopefully it was perceived like that.

i'm sure some of you are wondering what really happened to mei. did she get indicted or did she get into some sort of trouble with the school for this?

well, i purposely did not write the aftermath of mei since i kind of wanted you to perceive it in your own way. if you think she got into trouble, then she did. it's really all up to you.

i 100% wanted to have more interactions with the side characters, however, i was keeping to a chapter limit [20] and so i never did end up doing more. but perhaps if i have time, i could do some side stories...

also, did you notice the recurring themes and words? i thought they added a little bit of memory, if that makes sense. i really wanted everything to connect. take for example, 'being a bastard.'

at first, 'bastard' meant that they wouldn't wait for the other person after practice. however, later on, you see [reader] call herself a 'bastard' as she didn't wait for nishinoya after practice.

things like this is what really made me excited to write this book. lol.

thank you for taking the time to read this. i wasn't sure if i should even bother publishing it at first since it was getting so little views... but patience is what it takes to be a writer. i should know by now aha.

oh, also, i'm curious, did you cry? if so, at which parts? it was kind of a goal of mine to have some people cry. is that too mean?

please leave a comment about how you felt while reading this book; or just anything you'd like. i really want to know if you guys liked it.

okay, so i'm going to go a tad off topic a bit. suicide is definitely prevalent in our world today. this story was not made to make fun of victims or those suffering with thoughts. i really wanted to have this story show feelings that can go into i guess, the thought process of suicide. it makes it sound like i'm describing it like a science experiment, but hopefully you understand what i'm trying to say.

and i guess what i'm trying to say is that, suicide is not the right answer. trust me, you aren't alone in this. please, reach out to someone – or even me if you just want to talk.

here are a few quotes i think are relevant.

"if you throw your life away, you won't even have the capacity to feel regret." – Ginko, Mushishi.

"there is no place in this world where we do not belong. that means you belong in this world, no matter where you might be." – also from Mushishi.

now, of course, it might seem like i know what i'm saying but i really don't; which is concerning. but the moral of this story is — if you know you can help someone or even yourself, then please do. there's nothing wrong with a little assistance in life.

one last thing before i end things, if you want some more angst like this, i've have a (miya atsumu x reader) book you can read.

if you have any further questions, thoughts, or queries, please leave a comment or message me :)

𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎,
— @mochiaus / mai-chan.